I like raccoons. Raccoons are cute (That’s right, furries: It’s possible to find an animal cute without wanting to fuck it). As such, I also like pictures of cute raccoons which show cute raccoons being cute, like this one:
This article is not about these pictures.
I did some kind of test, which ended up becoming a sort of experiment in torture: I typed “raccoon” into the DeviantArt search bar. The results were horrendous. I’d like to show you them.
Raccoon In A Bikini by ~hollyann
Oh, look; it’s a raccoon in a bikini. The only good thing about this picture is that it doesn’t show an actual raccoon wearing a bikini.
A Raccoon by ~minnagowaseiryuu
What are the artist’s thoughts about his nightmarish piece of cookie-cutter inflation art?
Raccoons make good balloons *giggle*
MINNAGOWASEIRYUU, YOU SICK CYNICAL BASTARD.
Raccoon Kombat by ~FriskyWoods
We’ve moved from one fetish to another. Why is there a green raccoon? And WHY THE FUCK DO THEY WEAR DIAPERS? Not to mention that the joke is unfunny, and the distinct lack of “kombat”.
Remember: I found these pictures by simply searching “Raccoon” on DeviantArt.
Raccoon by *WereKatt
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
But seriously; her “head” looks completely deformed due to the horrible photomontage. Her eyes and mouth are aslope in comparison to the “nose”, and the “ears” are completely misplaced. Fuck you WereKatt, and fuck this awful Photoshopped abomination.
Ristin Raccoon by ~ozkangaroo
Of course furries have to ruin everything. This… I’m guessing, “guy”? He looks like he’s eating out of a trash can, so he associates with the “real raccoon environment” – despite the fact that he’s standing on two feet. The creator of the fursuit also takes fursuit commissions with a price of “$1300 – $2000″. What the fuck? Well, with such a price I guess the guy wearing this fursuit has been already punished.
Bottom line: Fuck furries.
There was less than seven minutes between those two posts, and the IP’s are exactly the same.
Nathan is now posing as his own impersonator, or suffering from multiple personality disorder. For the record, I prefer the one that’s being truthful.
Can’t say i agree with you.
tried reading about mpd and it fits because they say that it is often caused by incest/rape and nathan was raped by his father. sometimes the alters hate each other.
nathan does the weregrinch hate werejohncandy?
The weregrinch is my only other personality, there is no werejohncandy. That one is dead.
First, you said you were a natural born werejohncandy, then it was weregrinch of the mountain variety, now its weregrinch of the mountain/tundra variety. What’s next? werejohngoodman?
If you are a weregrinch… prove it! Your word keeps changing, so it isn’t enough. Weren’t you going to transform for us? It’s kinda funny that not even yourself, believes you. XD
You wish, I would never be John Goodman (even though he is the closest we have to John Candy these days next to Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill), and yes i am a weregrinch of the mountain variety, and i was going to transform for you – but the only thing that could cause me to involuntarily turn grinch would be expose to heavy doses of holly, gifts or christmas carols.
Oh alright i’ll try, but i warn you it’s not pretty.
(he starts developing more grinch-like characteristics such as glowing yellow eyes, a cheshire cat smile, super keen senses and superhuman strength and enhanced stealth, green fur starts sprouting on his hands, fingernails grow into long black claws, hands stretch and become more more grinch-like, his shoes burst, green fur sprouts on his feet, toenails grow into claws, his feet stretch and become more grinch-like, his hair grows into a long wild mane then turns to the texture and consistency of grinch hair before turning green, green fur sprouts on his face, eyebrows go bushy and green, teeth becoming fangs, ears stretch out and become pointed, his eyes turn an eerie yellowish colour, the tip of his nose turns black and shifts upwards as a grinch-like muzzle forms on his face)
*facepalm* I meant…. on cam to backup your claim. fff
I did, i did do it on camera you dumb insensitive bitch.
(now a full weregrinch) I DID do it on camera. The camera was ON while i was transforming you dumb bitch.
Nathan, Mishi wasn’t being insensitive. Asking you to back up your ridiculous claims is completely fair.
And again, you haven’t backed up your claims anyway. This is why no-one here takes you seriously.
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, Nathan. Until you show us a video of you transforming into a werejohncandy, we still won’t believe that you are one.
@Hbomberguy
I am NOT a werejohncandy.
@Shplane
I am a weregrinch of the mountain variety, and a damm fine one if i say so myself.
Just saying ‘I am NOT’ isn’t evidence, it’s the shift key. How about you back up your damn claims just for once.
@nathan f oh yeah? send us the link.
I would, but you see, I’ve somehow managed to lose my webcam in my own anus again. Ain’t that a bitch? Oh well, if there were light in there, you’d see it was also green and full of christmas cheer. And gerbils.
@Velociraptor
I am going to, but as soon as i can figure otu how the hell is doing these crappy impersonations of me.
@Hbomberguy
Like what more evidence do you want?
If you’re going to be a were-ANYTHING, at least pick something original so you don’t seem half as stupid as you really are. Furry lifestylers are more tolerable than your ilk, to be honest. Regardless of whatever influenced you in your childhood or the sort of interactions/relationships you experienced with humanity within your family circle and as a whole, I never fail to wonder how and why humans delude themselves into such things. Really, I would’ve hated you less for simply sticking with a self-insert of the Gary Stu kind
[which, judging by your attempts at writing, is of the same breed anyways].
Really, if you could explain your affliction
[I'm still not convinced that this isn't clinical lycanthropy]
with actual intelligence and keeping the laws of the real world in mind
[meaning, stop "proving" your supposed "Grinchiness" with bedtime story science and type up a legible, psychological summary of what exactly goes on within that cesspit of a mind]
I would be able to have an intelligent debate with you. I’d also appreciate the supposed “video evidence” you were supposedly going to supply before using your webcam as a primitive form of anal bead.
And now I’ll move on to the actual critique section of this post.
Obviously, the photograph is adorable and well done.
The second image’s coloring is faded and rather shoddy. The hands are also much too large and look stretched out
[the larger one in particular looking more like something out of a James Cameron film than anything].
The shoulders
[and bikini straps along with 'em]
are crooked and something’s bulging in her ribcage under the breast
[chestburster waiting to strike?].
The face is simply a result of a poorly rendered style, and if it weren’t for the article mentioning it so, I would’ve thought it was another style Disney rip-off like much of the crap furry lifestylers keep spewing into the art world.
Of course, we all know what’s wrong with the inflation porn, but how exactly is he even filling up with air? Did the dragon puncture his belly button and shoved a pipeline up his stomach? Or is that what I really don’t want to think it is? Also, animals aren’t shiny unless you coat them in [can't remember the name of it], restrict their movement to the point of cruelty, and let it dry. Of course, this is theoretical, though I do have the feeling I will accidentally inspire the next outstanding act of Internet animal cruelty sometime in the near future.
The horizon line on this picture is MUCH too close, unless this kid has a macro/giant fetish as well as the blaring diaperfur one. You know what? It’s still to close. Also, the green one’s face is distorted even in the style he’s chosen
[which, btw, is unoriginal as hell],
and unless those two failed twice at stealing from a Chinese market
[kudos if you get the reference]
he should have more than three fingers. The brown one also looks like his nose is slowly slipping off his face.
The ears are skewed and placed incorrectly, the grain of the fur is inconsistent, the eyes and lips remind me of Mount Rushmore
[not a complement],
the nose looks like an unused charcoal
[not to mention the lips and nose look somewhat off compared to the angle the face is suggesting though the eyes/lighting],
and the image, overall, reminds me more of a 38-year-old basement dweller who got caught playing with Mommy’s makeup kit than whatever sort of effect the artist was trying to get here.
The fursuit is fine in terms of “anthro” anatomy
[if you're lenient as I am when trying to find whatever sliver of good is in these idiot's work and failing, because chances are there is none]
until I realize that the face, like all other fursuits, is in the same cartoon style that furry lifestylers are always ripping off of each other, the thing is eating out of a goddamn trashcan, and that it’s probably being worn by and yiffed with by another 38-year-old, delusional basement dweller who decided to contribute to the cancer that is killing the art world.
Also, if anyone has any critiques on my writing, since this definitely isn’t as inspired as when I was criticizing the Zapipi atrocities and, I feel, still just as cluttered as my last lengthy posts, please do post competent, useful replies
[competent, mind you, and not the usual "FUCK YOU, I'M A DRAGON!" comments I'll get from the sick fuck(s) that lurk on this page].
@Garuda
Look I tried being original, i tried werebelushi ,tried werejoshpeck, tried wereElvis, tried wereleno, tried werejohncandy, tried werejackblack, even tried a werekoala or two – but the weregrinch is one i can really relate to. And don’t you be ragging on that racoon photomanip werekatt did, it’s not that bad it’s lovely.
Also kiss my green furry ass.
…did you even bother to read my post, or did you poor, shrunken occipital and parietal lobes flee in terror? Surely you don’t think I’m intimidated in the slightest by your childish responses, you churl. I asked you for a proper explanation- the least you could do is stop with the propaganda and answer my godforsaken questions. Then again, every post you write makes it harder and harder to believe that you’re anywhere NEAR 38 years old. Even 12-year-old sister is, at present, a more advanced writer than you present yourself to be.
Also, original does NOT mean, “Look mommy! I Photoshop’d Elvis to look like a hairy piece of shit!”
Original means that the creation is sprung from your own mind, has a unique purpose, composition, concept, and evokes truly profound thoughts in the mind of the onlooker. Of course, I’m moving off into the definition of true art, something your atrophied brain would scarcely begin to comprehend.
No, I got bored. I do not have a 12 year old sister. And also if you’re the same guy who claims he’s a mudkip, then forget it i’m not answering your question.
I was referring to my own sister, numb-nut.
You, and only you, could throw “mudkips” into a topic like this. Of course, if that’s a dull, misplaced, and clearly failed attempt at insulting, witty humour, then so be it. I challenge you, sir to a duel of the dexterity of hand and flexibility of mind. My own artistic fire and passion pitted against your own self-appointed, weak “talents”- and let this community be the judge. I expect to see your image delivered in your next post, and my own piece will be contained within the next writing of mine. En garde.
Of course, there’s rules.
The piece must not be something you’ve already made, lazy child. Nor can you automatically declare yourself the winner, as I know you’re so tempted to do whilst screeching your head off. The Internet is the judge.
And don’t cower out of this, or respond like a little brat by saying, “But I don’t NEED proof! Playground logic automatically makes ME the better man without having to lift a finger!”.
@Garuda
My mistake i thought you were someone else.
@Garuda
Yes, Satan? Oh, I’m sorry sir, you sounded like someone else.
@Garuda: If nathan is capable of reading more than one line of a post before responding to it and forgetting to read the rest (wishful thinking), this will be an interesting battle of wits.
I’ve never seen a curb-stomp of wits before.
@Hbomberguy
I bet you 5$ and my left nut that Garuda can’t think of a good comeback.
What you said doesn’t even deserve do be dignified with a comeback. And I don’t want to go anywhere near your damn testicles.
Five bucks would be nice, however.
@Nathan F
He challenged you to an art-off, disphit. You’re the one in need of a comeback. Preferably in the form of something remotely artistic.
Relax hbomb,
We’ve already concluded that he lacks male genitalia, remember? ;p
@Mishi: Phew, thanks for reminding me.
I still fear he may be about to dig up john candy’s testicles in exchange however.
After keen observation, I conclude that the only things in your possession are a fake driver’s license scribbled in green crayon and a decided lack of male equipment.
My God, do you even merit the attention I’ve been giving the particular topic? Did you even BOTHER to fully read my challenge? You’d better start scribbling for your life, boy.
I do have gentalia. But you guys probably don’t. Especially not you Garuda, which is why i’m not going to take part in your stupid challenge.
I do have genitalia you asswipes.
You’re obviously frightened of the possibility of being bested by someone who knows what they’re doing when crafting actual pieces of art, instead of the GIMP’d hairy, fat men that you seem to enjoy watching as you masturbate the empty space where your genitals once were. Also, I’m going to tell you something that will tie your bomb-lasted mind into a more complicated knot that before.
I’m female.
I’ll assume it changes your entire perspective on me, no? You’re not the “dashing weregrinch” you think you are[the Grinch isn't at all attractive, by the way], but a mentally ill, rotund little man shoving Big Macs down his throat in a cramped basement under your mother’s house that smells of rotting fish. Then again, “grinches” supposedly get turned on by that sort of thing, so I’d rather not delve into that.
@Garuda
And neither are you, i bet you’re some sort of pimply faced nerd who hasn’t a date in years. And the only boners you get are from staring at pieces of Princess Leia.
Grinches are not as bad as you think they are.
And for the record, I don’t recall you doing any art whatsoever – in fact i’ve barely even read about any of your “works”.
And i’m NOT fat, I am 5′7, 170lbs – NOT this archetype you speak of.
@Garuda
Well in that case, you’re probably just some crazy woman who is a shut-in and lives with dozens of cats, and has a voice that sounds like Fran Drescher.
You probably don’t know anything and have no friends apart from the several different cats you live with.
One doesn’t “do” art, one creates art. “Doing” art would most likely involve the way you fap over pictures of John Candy and Jim Carrey.
And, comparing the quality of your posts to mine, anyone with a sound mind would think YOU were the one who knows nothing. I still have the most difficult time comprehending how incredibly stupid a person like you must be, and how twisted, garbled, and broken your thought process must be. You’ve obviously lost yourself in your own imaginary world where green, hairy, and smelly is the definition of the phrase “sexually attractive”, and that you must obviously be perfect, and anyone who’s ever said anything negative about your obsession must be wrong. If you’re not a 13-year-old troll, you must be one of the most twisted, deluded, narcissistic clinical lycanthropes in this corner of the Earth.
And once I’ve finished the piece I specifically want to show here, you’ll see why I am an artist, and you are not.
Beauty is only skin deep, my delightfully fiendish foe.
And beauty is something you are lacking in all shapes, ways, and forms.
@Garuda
I must say you are proving to be quite a wily and elusive foe.
@Nathan
Kiddie playground insults and implications that Garuda is some ridiculous cliche stereotype, truly shows how ignorant you are. A child can come up with a more witty and logical retort than you. Maybe you’d have a shread of dignity left if you at least tried to accept Garuda’s challenge.
@Mishi
Why would you I want to accept that loser’s challenge anyway? I’m not in the mood for games.
@Garuda
The Grinch isn’t as bad looking as you think he is, sure he’s green and hairy and has glowing yellow eyes and happens to have bugs crawling around in his mouth but he’s quite a nice guy – sure he starts off being all miserly at the beginning but at the end his heart grows three sizes and he becomes all nice. And he’s super strong too.
Whether you like it or not, Werekatt did that racoon photomanip and he put his heart and soul into and that’s all that matters.
I do know what original means. So you do not need to tell me.
And as for your challenge, sounds tempting but no, i won’t accept it. Now don’t get me wrong, i’d be glad to to, it’s not that i’m scared or anything, it’s just that i’m going to be busy practically all week.
And fyi i’m not a retarded 13 year old troll or an overweight basement dweller, i am 5′7 and weigh 170lbs, i am perfectly fit and healthy. I have no disability or anything, that’s just you and everyone else here fucking with my mind. And fyi I don’t even eat go to Macdonalds anymore.
Look, all the information that they say about me on here is false, i really am a weregrinch – and there are millions of my kind all over the world, and also the number of people that are actually grinches in disguise gets bigger every year.
“it’s just that i’m going to be busy practically all week.”
prove it by not posting for a while fucktard.
Done and done.
@Anonymous
Your wish is my command, master. *vanishes*
For someone who posted TWICE IN THREE MINUTES to a response asking them not to post, you’re certainly still a regular poster.
So….. Umm… This is over now, right?
I guess so.
holy fucking hell that raccoon photo manip is HORRIBLE. there are people actually defending it on dA saying its “great”
holy crap it is total shit