If you dig deep enough, you’ll find a little-known sub-culture hidden beneath the house that the goth movement built: Fatties, virgins, and fat virgins alike who pretend that they are real life vampires, and who claim to indulge in the taste of blood in between the hour-long bathroom sessions it takes them to apply their makeup in the morning. In reality, they are as harmless as the emos and goths who’s anti-social shtick they’re copying, and thanks to the cinematic and literary dumps that compose the popular Twilight series, recent membership has shot through the roof, and it’s officially hip to want to have fangs. Of course, there isn’t a black corset in the world tight enough to keep the fat from rolling out, or a makeup strong enough to hold it’s own against the tears of a miserable 16 year old girl.

All I know about today’s subject is that she’s registered on a site called “Vampire Freaks” (With a name like that, you know that you must be dealing with a community of well-adjusted folk!), that she isn’t afraid to show off her flab, and that she takes art theft very seriously, as made evident from this declaration from her dA profile as well as posts on DCQC.

IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ:

Anything that you find in my gallery is NOT to be used for stock images, web design, icons, banners, signatures, or ANYTHING ELSE without my permission. If you would like to contact me regarding using something of mine for your personal use only, please send me a note and I will get back to you ASAP.

DO NOT TAKE MY WORK AND CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN.

Luckily for us here at DCQC, we’ve never claimed anyone else’s art as our own: We simply serve to enforce quality control by criticizing bad art, and bad artists in general. Tonight, the bell tolls for TheSpiralGenerator: Crusader of justice on deviantART, fighting against what she misinterprets as “art theft” and to impress her e-friend(s). So, without further ado, let’s go ahead and see what she’s so paranoid about people stealing, shall we?

.12. by ~TheSpiralGenerator

A large bulk of her submitted work is photography, most of which comes across as being as stock and bland as can be. She seems to have a thing for “nature” pieces, having posted numerous shots of plants and animals. This means two things: That she’s too shy or anti-social in general to ask an actual human being to model for her, and that she lacks the means to manufacture her own subject matter. What I mean by that latter comment is, she can’t be bothered to manipulate a scene to make it interesting, so she focuses on “naturally occurring” subject matter.

There are several problems with this; the first being that it makes everything come across as stock and bland as I mentioned before. This issue isn’t helped by the fact that, rather than give her photographs actual names, Spiral simply numbers them and files them away like the generic wastes of celluloid they are.

The second issue is that “naturally occurring” photography doesn’t leave much room for image manipulation or after effects, as this tends to take away from the whole idea of images that are supposed to be “beautiful on their own”. Pretty as a flower may be, anyone can take a picture of one. It takes an actual artist to make it unique, and that takes straying away from the philosophy of not touching anything. In fact, the only image manipulation I can spot in Spiral’s photos are the obnoxious faded frames she puts around the edges, which don’t “contrast the lighting” so much as they “look out of place against colorful imagery and come across as incredibly gimmicky”.

Luckily, Spiral does more than just photograph the works of Mother Nature: She happens to dabble in drawing as well! Hopefully, these should be less generic than her stock photography. With any luck, they might not even suck! Perhaps drawing is more her forte, and her photography is just a hobby entirely non-indicative of her actual artistic merit!

Pandora’s Box. by ~TheSpiralGenerator

Well, so much for that theory. I believe Spiral has misidentified the box in her drawing: That’s clearly the puzzle box from Hellraiser, and that misshapen mutant holding it is Pinhead’s demon mistress. There’s literally nothing proportionally correct about her anatomy. And yes, I realize that she isn’t a human. But is that honestly a proper excuse for having legs thicker than her stomach, the same length as her arms?

With the tattered clothes, luscious lips and huge tits, you’d assume the character was intended to be attractive. For all I know, perhaps the character was intended to be hideous, as the creature features might have one assume. After all: Who wants to fuck a woman with horns and claws for fingers? But on the other hand, the striped stockings and the pose make it look like she’s supposed to have some air of beauty to her. Unfortunately, Spiral’s aforementioned lack of knowledge of basic anatomy makes it vague what exactly the intent was, and we’re left only with an ugly blob and a handful of vague hints which don’t add up.

I find it amusing how she remembered to add shadow underneath the tail, but couldn’t be bothered to add it elsewhere. If you’re going to pretend you understand lighting, you can’t just stop after adding one barely visible shade spot. You can’t help but feel bad for this two-fingered, grotesque monstrosity: For a picture that’s supposed to be bright and cheery (It has a rainbow, for crissakes!), all it does for me is make me feel pity.

Invader Zim. by ~TheSpiralGenerator

What’s that? She’s an Invader Zim fan? I couldn’t possibly have seen this one coming from a mile away! The show seems to cater to social outcasts with more interest in fantasy and mythology than actual human interaction, who dress in all black and who might “ironically” draw pictures with rainbows and takes photographs of colorful flowers. To them, and to those without taste in general (But alas, I repeat myself).

The strange thing is, for an individual so concerned about people stealing from her, she doesn’t seem to have any qualms about taking other people’s characters and doing as she pleases with them. Nevermind the fact that she actually managed to fuck up emulating the most basic art style in modern cartoon history next to xkcd: She has the audacity to preach against intellectual property theft? Read the description for this piece and tell me you can’t feel the hypocrisy radiating from your browser.

Drawing (c) TheSpiralGenerator, DO NOT USE or steal without my permission!

Invader Zim fan art again.

Invader Zim (c) to Jhonen Vasquez.

So, let me get this straight Spiral: The character is copyrighted, but your simplistic rendering of him trumps that original copyright? This wouldn’t be an issue for me if you didn’t go on and on so much about copyright bullshit. I personally don’t subscribe to the idea that anybody should be able to reserve all rights to their work, and firmly believe anybody who does should be shot for being an annoying fucking nag and a kill-joy. What gives you the right to put copyrights on fucking nature photography and fanart? Is there some kind of vampire ritual which renders you immune to criticism? If so, it might be time to renew your fucking spell, because you aren’t fooling me with your transparent brand of bullshit.

I’ll say it once more, in the hopes it might penetrate your thick layers of fat and work it’s way past your thick skull: You do not dictate what violates copyright. You clearly lack any understanding of it, and only toss threats of reporting around because you’re afraid of legitimate criticism. Unfortunately for you, that’s not how the society you shun works, and you can’t avoid criticism / mockery by simply pretending that it violates the law. If you don’t mind, now that you’ve been thoroughly shamed, we’ll go ahead and keep doing what we do. To the viewers at home, we’ll leave you with this:

March 2010. by ~TheSpiralGenerator

“Don’t steal my face. “