I know what you’re thinking: “Is this a picture or a poem?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is deviantART, the most obnoxious user-generated content service in the world, and can make you want to [...]]]>

Beautiful Songs by ~eclipse-of-you

I know what you’re thinking: “Is this a picture or a poem?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is deviantART, the most obnoxious user-generated content service in the world, and can make you want to blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Does it really matter? Well, does it, punk? But enough unfunny pop-culture referencing padding: We have a submission to dissect.

The short answer to the first question is that it is, in fact, a picture. The presence of the text – which consists of lyrics to populist pop music garbage – serves to distract from how poorly illustrated the female(?) character is. With a head as large as her torso, and feet half the size of her tiny hands, I guess music must be her only escape from the hardships of life as a hideous freak of nature.

A general rule of thumb for dealing with pictures “plus words”: If it looks like more time went into writing the text than drawing the illustrated portion of the piece, chances are it was done to mask some horrendous artistic error. Judging from the fact that the songs have little (If not nothing at all) to do with one other, and how the headphones manage to fit entirely within the spiked blob that composes the girl’s hair (As if the artist hadn’t originally planned to include them), I’d say the “music” angle was an afterthought, and that this piece started simply as a failed drawing of a girl.

Not only does eclipse-of-you fail to impress as an illustrator, but she isn’t much of a typographer either. My best advice to her is to stay away from both, and instead of scribbling lame shit like this in class, to actually pay attention and focus on her academics. After all, it’s obvious she won’t be making it big as an artist any time soon.

And that’s all the text I’m willing to write about this.

Good, now that we have that out of the way we can continue. So just who is this you ask? Why it’s none other than the focus of [...]]]> I’d like to start off this article with one simple question to the reader. But first I need you to take a look at something…

Good, now that we have that out of the way we can continue. So just who is this you ask? Why it’s none other than the focus of today’s article, a tartlet who goes by the handle Decadence-Decay. Our little Ms. Decadence, real name Sophia, is a 16 year old girl on DA. Though I suspect that’s not too much of a shock to you when you consider that the entire site is comprised almost entirely of nothing but teenage girls (All of whom somehow always seem to be 16 years old’s even when they’re really just 40 year old men from Tokyo who enjoy wearing panties on their heads). Why then have I asked you to look at this self indulgent, Myspace angled, “I’m daddies little princess”, vapid, self-masturbatory photograph of some obviously confused pale bitch? Well, I’m just curious is all. I’m curious to see if I’m the only one out there who finds the idea of her fucking guys dressed up like circus performers completely batshit insane.

I mean when you look at her, when you take a moment to consider that she’s actually somewhat attractive do you then automatically think to yourself, “Oh hell yeah, I can totally see her riding some clowns cock”? Can you honestly give the idea that she would fuck something like this…

…any credence?

If you’re confused by this point you’re not alone, I am as well. And I don’t mean confused as in, “Hey why do her feet in the above photo look like they belong more to Skeletor than to a teenage girl”. I’m guessing that maybe she doesn’t understand the basics of lighting or maybe she’s like the female version of that dude from the movie Powder. Who knows? But putting that mystery aside I’m talking about the confusion over the fact that this girl, this piece of jail-bate, would actually want to fuck a juggalo.

Jesus, that’s a scary thought. Do you even know what a juggalo is? I mean for fuck sakes they can’t even work out the simple shit like, oh I don’t know, this: FB = q v × B

You see over the last few days, in between my constant masturbation to her photos and my confusion as to why her feet look like they belong to a villain from the He-Man universe, I’ve given this issue a great deal of thought. And yet I’m still left thoroughly dumbstruck. Why would any girl seriously consider a man in make-up desirable? Let alone one who happens to live in a trailer park, beats his sister/lover, exists solely on food stamps, and considers bathing in Red Pop hygienic. I mean that shit just doesn’t make sense. But one look at her photos and it becomes clear that this chick loves getting dicked by the boys from the big top.

Would you look at that? Seriously, what the fuck is she going to tell her kids in 20 years when they come up to her with a photo like this one and ask, “Mommy, why do you look like such a huge faggot”? Off all the types of men someone could be attracted to she chooses juggalo’s? That’s so far below the bottom of the barrel that if she looked up she’d be staring at straight at the asses of furries. Yeah, that’s right, furries are a step up for her. If she were to put on a wolf suit right now and bounce up and down on some dude’s dick while yelping like a puppy I’d actually respect her more. Holy shit, that’s messed up.

Now you may be wondering what makes her special enough to warrant an article. Clearly she isn’t artistic with the majority of her DA account being devoted to vapid self portraits that scream “OMG I heart social networking”. She’s one of those girls that knows she’s attractive and so she takes full advantage of it by posting her pictures everywhere so she can feed off of men’s erections like a lich feeds off fucking misery. But that’s not the reason we’re spotlighting her. Attention whoring women are a dime a dozen on the internet. No, what makes her special is the fact that she is WILLINGLY HAVING SEX WITH JUGGALOS.

Try this. I want you to imagine the worst ethnic stereotype that you can. Maybe it’s a nigger holding a bucket of chicken while he rapes a white woman. Or perhaps it’s an chink with a really tiny cock doing complex algebra problems. Or how about a spic hoping a fence while carrying nothing but cleaning supplies and lawn care equipment. Well those examples are to other races as juggalo’s are to white people. They are our niggers, our chinks, our spics. They’re the counterexample to white supremacy and they can be found in any trailer park across the country. I’d rather have a kerosene enema than be in the same room as an ICP fan.

So what the hell is she thinking? What horrible thing did her father have to do to her that would explain her taste in men. He must have been pulling trains on this bitch since the age of 6 to account for something this screwed up. He probably made her watch as he practiced his woodsmanship with nothing more than a chainsaw and kittens. Because there is no way that this…

results from a normal upbringing. So all I have to say to dad is: Good job. May God have mercy on us all because knowing how teenagers are it’s only a matter of time till she squirts out a litter of mini-ninjas. Once that happens we’ll have even more of the fuckers to deal with. Now if you’ll excuse me I have the strangest urge to go watch some motherfucking He-Man.

I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sir Jimbo: The Pain That I’ll Choose (Written and illustrated by TARTlet Rave-Anna) is the heartwarming tale of two lesbians trying to overcome the difficult disease of leprosy. It’s a story about the spirit of love and how it copes with an affliction that makes your skin sluff off and [...]]]>

Sir Jimbo: The Pain That I’ll Choose (Written and illustrated by TARTlet Rave-Anna) is the heartwarming tale of two lesbians trying to overcome the difficult disease of leprosy. It’s a story about the spirit of love and how it copes with an affliction that makes your skin sluff off and fall into sticky piles of goo on the floor. Well it’s either that or the artist can’t draw for shit. One of the two. It’s hard to tell. In fact let’s make a game of it. Choose which of the following best describes the main female protagonist on the cover…

1. She suffers from leprosy (It’s one of those illnesses from before the days of Doogie Howser)
2. She was beaten by the dyke stick (A terrible weapon wielded by only the angriest of muff divers)
3. Being that she is gay and a woman she is attempting to gain as much weight as possible to better fit the role and thus she dove face first into a vat of Oreo cookies.
4. One night, during a particularly embarrassing episode of cock lust, she turned her vibrator onto maximum and shit just went down hill.

If you picked any of the above options, CONGRATULATIONS, you have more imagination than the author of this steaming pile of fanfiction.

Habermann: You know what the most fucked up part of this comic is? It’s not just about two generic lesbians or the “artist’s” original characters: It actually stars the members of Russian pop sensation t.A.T.u.! You know? Those two chicks who pretended to be lesbians until having to admit to everyone that they weren’t way back in 2003? Apparently, the fact they aren’t real lesbians hasn’t deterred rabid lesbian weeaboos from further exploring the coupling.

Habermann: Judging from the note in the upper right panel (And from the layout of the actual page itself), it seems as if the artist had a bit of trouble deciding whether her readers should read the comic from left-to-right or right-to-left (MANGA STYLE ). In the end, she settles with the latter, and casual weeaboos who are unaware of this custom suffer for it. Furthermore, might I question what fucking school this girl attends, of which the general populace harbors such an immense hatred towards lesbians? If it’s in Russia, where the actual duo hails from, it might interest the artist to know that in present day the majority of Russians are non-observant, and more than 50% never attend church services of any kind. It’s hard to imagine a school of Russians ganging up on a girl for offending religious values the majority of their citizens don’t even hold.

Sir Jimbo: A lot of people will tell you that to create great art you actually need to draw it, art that is. But those people are just jealous faggots and should be shunned. As we can see from this page the artist has decided against such cliches as “Backgrounds” and instead has gone with the use of a solid white backdrop to frame her panels. While most people would call this lazy and a clear sign of half-assing things I would disagree. Instead I’d call it a sign that our artist was driven so mad with penis envy that immediately after having drawn this she ran into her kitchen (Insert your own sexist joke here folks) and began shoving any piece of produce she could find directly into her man-hating snatch. Carrots, Cucumbers, Corn, you get the idea. Salads will never again be the same at her house. Not fucking EVER!

Sir Jimbo: You know that whole concept called “perspective”? That thing that’s supposed to help you know what the fuck is going on in a scene? The device a good artist will use in order to better guide what the audience is viewing in an effort to help clear things up? Well, who needs it? Clearly not our artist, since you’d have better luck figuring out what the fuck is going on with this page by reading it entirely in braille. I mean yes you could argue that the main character is lusting after the fishing hole of the red-headed Lena Katina but than again who is to say. I mean that dark silhouette in the background could be anyone. Hell it could be the janitor. I mean after all this is an Oreo hording carpet muncher we’re talking about here and I’m sure after fucking half of the vegetables in her house the artist was by this point completely delirious. Christ she probably was queefing out popcorn after the unholy shame that took place in her kitchen from earlier on.

Habermann: I think you’re ignoring the biggest logical flaw in this page. Yulia acknowledges that Lena has shown up at school extraordinarily early, meaning that she herself would have to have shown up early as well. If Yulia hates school so goddamn much, why does she show up potentially hours in advance just to sit around in a hallway and contemplate how much she fucking hates school? We’re only two pages into this mess, and the plot has already revealed itself to be as flimsy as the paper the comic is drawn on.

Also, I lol’d at how smug Lena’s face is as she opens her locker. Back in my school days, my facial demeanor in the early morning matched something like my face in present day after puking a whole bottle of Jack into a toilet. Lena is either obsessive about keeping up appearances, or on some kind of botox regiment.

Habermann: Here, we discover our artist has a bit of difficulty with drawing hands. Try and figure out what side of the paper we’re looking at in the fourth panel: If it’s facing towards the reader (Like a good artist would usually draw), her thumbs are on the wrong sides of her eerily disproportionate hands. If the text is facing towards her, how come we don’t see her reading it from behind the paper? Either way you slice it, it’s an incredibly awkward panel, on an incredibly awkward page. From her amusingly out-of-place angry face in the first panel (Nice transition from bubbly and bright on the previous page!), to the confusing inconsistency in the use of onomatopoeia and motion indicators, this page is a goddamn mess.

Sir Jimbo: Let’s see, what sorts of qualities do you absolutely never want to find in the person you’re fucking? I know! How about butting into your fucking business? Apparently Lena is one hell of a controlling pearl licker because the moment she finds something on the ground which has nothing at all to do with her, she has to get involved. This is typical behavior for sexual predators. It probably explains where all those bruises from the cover page came from. Think about it: Lena is a fucking animal, and god help you if you leave her out of the loop. She’ll cut your fucking titties off to teach you a lesson.

Sir Jimbo: Yulia Volkova? Well there is a name that just rolls of the tongue now doesn’t it? Probably just like Lena’s meat curtains do after she face rapes poor Yulia. Also, you shouldn’t be alarmed by the rapid growth of Lena’s skull on this page; it’s just a side effect of too much B-12 in her diet.

You know, from carrots. Cause’ that’s what she likes to shove up her…. Oh well you get the point.

But just in case you didn’t: LENA LIKES TO INSERT THINGS IN HER VAGINA. All lesbians do. It’s natures way of telling them that they’re fucking wrong. Mother Nature’s not a dyke. Hate to break it to ya, but she loves the cock.

Habermann: I’ll admit: I got a hard-on watching t.A.T.u. in their early days, before they revealed that their love for one another was a gigantic scam. And as much as I’d love for some kinky sex video starring the two of them to get leaked and reveal that the two of them actually DO have the hots for one another (Hell, I’d watch it even if it was just another promotional gimmick. I’m not picky about the actual romantics of the situation), it simply isn’t a pairing meant to be. This whole backstory about the duo having been lesbians throughout their school days, not knowing each other to be lesbians but lusting over one another, and finally coming out to one another despite the cries of their peers is fucking weak enough on it’s own without it being based on a real life love story that’s been revealed to be completely fucking fake.

Habermann: Let’s take a look at our crowd, shall we? We have our chain-smoking grunge kid covering his little brother’s eyes, clearly concerned about being a good role model for him. We also have a green-eyed bald guy, who is amazed upon discovering exactly how bald he is as he tries to run his fingers through his non-existent hair. There’s a girl who appears to be inside a peanut costume clearly not a fan of Yulia’s faggotry, while the girl in the ponytail to the left is clearly not a fan of the former’s peanut costume. And finally, we have an elderly woman with lopsided tits, who should honestly be a bit more desensitized to teenage lesbianism after having witnessed and survived the horrors of the Gulag. Isn’t it lovely how all these people can come together to share their groundless hatred for lesbians?

Sir Jimbo: “Don’t look bro, she’s a dyke”. Well clearly than this is a work of fiction because even the gayest of men would line up during the world’s worst fucking snow storm in history just to witness two chicks scissor the shit out of each other in real life. Poor girl: It must be so hard to be an attractive lesbian surrounded by nothing but horny teenage boys. How rough. God they must hate her for being so kinky. You know, when they’re all not furiously jacking their shit to the idea of some hot lesbian pearl diving action.

REALISM has no place in this comic. Now go get some stones so we can kill this bitch ffffffuck

Sir Jimbo: I have to say this page makes me happy. Honestly it does. I mean I was a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings movies and I was really worried there for a while that after the Return of the King came out that Smeagol would be out of work. But here we see that’s clearly not the case. Not only is he employed again but he is working in a comic that’s dedicated to a couple of hot lesbians fisting each other. Lucky fucker. And to top it off he’s giving her Eskimo kisses. ESKIMO KISSES, THAT’S SO SUPER KAWAII. ヘ(^_^ヘ)

Oh god, sorry. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I’ll have to set up an appointment with my doctor to get another round of immunizations against weeaboo.

Habermann: I’m not sure why “Find our love note, dyke?” is an insult so worthy of praise. That’s like me getting a round of applause for saying “Enjoying your coffee, fag?” at Starbucks. Hey, here’s a good question: What the hell are these two guys doing at school early? They don’t exactly seem like the type eager to learn. Do they show up early just to harass Yulia for showing up early? If so, why the fuck does Yulia keep showing up early? And if she has the same habit of showing up early to be harassed as Lena does, how come Lena hasn’t witnessed Yulia being brutally “tapped” on the knee before? This plot has more holes than a lesbian orgy.

Sir Jimbo: Sadly though Lena has to ruin it all like the typical angry dyke that she is. Because suddenly, for NO reason whatsoever, she goes all period rage on poor defenseless Smeagol and attacks him. Imagine it: There he is: Our loving, caring, kindhearted Smeagol just minding his own business giving Yulia some Eskimo Kisses and what happens? Some angry beaver beater shows up and starts shooting her pussy blood all over the hallway. Somebody get this bitch a pallet full of Midol and call the cops. For the love of God lady it was just an Eskimo kiss will you please pull that stick out of your ass…..

… And those carrots out of your cooter.

Habermann: It’s amazing how the artist transitions so quickly from “drama” and a generally depressing tone, to “OMG CHIBI KAWAII” and other stereotypical lazy manga bullshit. If you’re going to weave a tale of “true love in the face of prejudice”, and try to tackle the serious issue of disregarding social criticism in order to live your life to way you want to live it, you can’t suddenly stop drawing full figures and start drawing fucking chibis reacting to major plot-changing actions with simple stock shocked expressions.

Habermann: We’re treated to more half-assed chibi art and half-hearted attempt at social commentary. And so, our romance plot advances as swiftly as bald guy is forced out of the frame (God forbid our action sequence span more than one page), as fast as Lena turns away from the angry bald guy to look at Yulia, and as quickly we’re supposed to forget about the impact that the fateful punch will have on Lena’s social standing.

Sir Jimbo: Smeagol is upset and rightly so. But does anyone call the police on this raging whore? Do they get him some medical attention first? Call in the swat team? Render any aid whatsoever to our poor, beaten, and abused little hobbit? No. And why? Is it because the hallways now reek of rotting fish? Well probably but that’s not the reason. Is it because the amount of blood she leaked everywhere has now created a hazmat level 8 situation? Again probably but still not why. The reason that no one does anything is because Lena is fucking crazy, like all Lesbians. That’s why they molest children. Gay people that is. Because they’re fucking crazy.

Sir Jimbo: We’re finally on the last page (So far), and what an adventure it’s been. Yulia, our protagonist, is clearly terrified by all that has transpired. Can you blame her though? How often is it that a person witnesses a raging lesbian beat a hobbit to within an inch of his life? I can’t even begin to fathom the amount of therapy that it’s going to take to undo that. And so here she is broken, beaten, terrified, and in a fetal position on the ground looking up at her attacker. She’s probably wondering all sorts of things. Things like just why it is that a man sized lesbian with orange hair is allowed to stalk a school’s hallways unsupervised. Or why rampant hobbit abuse is tolerated in this modern society. Sadly she’ll never get answers to those questions since Lena is now going to take her to the broom closet and brutally rape her. Probably with one of those carrots she used on herself earlier. Sick bitch.

Habermann: I’d be surprised if latter pages of the story bother to address Lena’s newly inherited social shunning, or the couple managing to melt the cold hearts of the rest of the student body by means of their true love in the fact of adversity. Hell, I’d be surprised if the story is continued at all beyond another page or two tops: In a mere nine pages, we’ve managed to fly through the entire exposition, dash right past the climax, and reach the point in the story where the couple is about to confess their secrets. At this rate, they’ll be married by page 13, and adopt a child on page 14. One thing’s for damn sure: We’re not reading any more of this half-hearted animu garbage. If you are braindead or gullible enough to fall for the perceived “inspiring message” being pushed by this populist garbage, you can kindly take your shallow love story and shove it up your ass, right next to your life partner’s dick or dildo.

Source: Unknown

Look at the people in the background, trying to ignore that fat bitch molesting her cat.

Also, SLIPPERS.

2. NO

Source: http://mericle.deviantart.com/art/Bill-Kaulitz-Fursona-59335350

A fursona ref for my idol Bill Kaulitz, the singer of Tokio Hotel (one of the best bands ever!).

I’m not gonna analyse this picture and [...]]]> 1. Pika-Pika!

Source: Unknown

Look at the people in the background, trying to ignore that fat bitch molesting her cat.

Also, SLIPPERS.

2. NO

Source: http://mericle.deviantart.com/art/Bill-Kaulitz-Fursona-59335350

A fursona ref for my idol Bill Kaulitz, the singer of Tokio Hotel (one of the best bands ever!).

I’m not gonna analyse this picture and instead just say:

OH GOD WHY?

3. You got your udders wrong

Source: http://lilleahwest.deviantart.com/art/moo-cow-103035728

Haha, oh, look, she even has a badge on her ear! So “cow-esque”!!!!! Why the fuck would people want to dress up dress up as cows anyway? Why don’t you dress up like cool animals, for example amoebas?

4. The new H.G. Wells

Source: http://bluelink97.deviantart.com/art/The-worlds-worst-nightmare-pt4-128035477

Over half of the Galacitc Federation fleet has been destroyed! The ships that blew up the moon have now turned against Weegee, but it doesn’t look like their weapons are doing anything!

Source: http://bluelink97.deviantart.com/art/the-worlds-worst-nightmare-pt5-128036931

Well, it looks like we’re screwed, because Weegee destroyed the Galactic Federation fleet

Source: http://bluelink97.deviantart.com/art/The-worlds-worst-nightmare-pt6-128037478

The battle is now over, and Weegee has won. Existence as we know it is over.

These pictures truly are “The World’s Worst Nightmare”.

The more you kick me, The more I refuse to lay down, The more you mock, The more I refuse to take it.

I refuse, To be treated like this, I refuse, To allow you access to my heart, I refuse, To let you know me.

The more you try to degrade, The more I’m going to speak [...]]]> I Refuse / Take A Stand

I Refuse

The more you kick me,
The more I refuse to lay down,
The more you mock,
The more I refuse to take it.

I refuse,
To be treated like this,
I refuse,
To allow you access to my heart,
I refuse,
To let you know me.

The more you try to degrade,
The more I’m going to speak out,
The more hatred you send,
The more I laugh at your intolerance.

I refuse,
To have you hurt me,
I refuse,
To let you get away,
I refuse,
To not take a stand.

Take A Stand

I am not so alone,
This fight is for us all,
Lend me your hand,
Refuse to conform.

I am one being,
One being in millions,
One person yet a strong voice,
I reach out to you.

Lend me your strength,
Take my hand,
Do not be afraid,
We, not them, will win.

In the end,
We shall prevail,
In the end,
We will remain strong.

“I Refuse” and “Take A Stand” are extremely cliché terms to be used in any kind of poem: Just look at the results for “I Refuse” and “Take A Stand”. “I Refuse”/”I refuse to” is basically a fancy way to say “I DON’T WANNA”, whereas “Take a stand” is basically a fancy way to say “TELL THOSE GUYS YOU DON’T WANNA”.

Two poems I wrote for those of us in our crusade against bigotry and hatred.

For redustrial, chocolatier-mihael, and those of you I know who are a part of it and I just don’t know it.

Love and power to us all!

The problem with these messages is that they ALWAYS fail to be inspiring, especially when a bunch of whiny prepubescent brats and nerds use them to boost their crippled spirits and hide out from reality a little longer by “expressing their feelings” in faux poem format, particularly whenever someone reminds them how nerdly or bratty or fat they are.

Here is a basic, expert translation of the above “poetry”:

I DONT WANNA EAT MY CAULIFLOWER
I DONT WANNA GO TO GYM CLASS
I DONT WANNA
TELL THOSE GUYS YOU DONT WANNA

THE INTERNET TERRORISTS

TELL THEM YOU DONT WANNA CRY
TELL THEM YOU DONT WANNA SCREAM
TELL THEM I AM RUBBER YOU ARE GLUE
TELL THEM THEY DONT HAVE A CLUE

WE ARE STRONG, THAT IS WHY WE HAVE TO REMIND OURSELVES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE WE ARENT ALWAYS SURE

WE WILL WIN THE DUMB INTERNET WAR!!!!1

(Note to self: calling a fat girl “fat” leads to poetry that no one needs to be subjected to… I hope that this isn’t what anyone wanted.)

We are bound,
Together we’re one,
One voice, One Hope,
The end… Is nigh…