DevArt Coalition for Quality Control

Motion Sickness

Habermann — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 12:23:16 +0000

Motion Blur by *vickiesb

What’s the point of applying motion blur to a [overwhelmingly homoerotic] still pose? It seems like something a college student would do in Photoshop to make it look as if their boring picture has more depth or thought put into it than it actually does. That, or the photographer has actually managed to convince herself that her “ironic” application of the effect is some sort of a fucking difficult feat.

This is not the product of substantial time and legitimate effort: It’s a lame photo run through a lame filter.

Guitar Art Grievance

Habermann — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 11:21:22 +0000

A recent survey which doesn’t actually exist recently showed that the guitar is the most popular instrument of all time, with second and third place going to the electric ocarina and toy xylophone. With the popularity of the guitar at it’s peak thanks to video games such as “Guitar Hero” and “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith Edition”, things can only go downhill for the “fad” instrument from here, and it will soon fade into obscurity. In the meantime, we have to put up with shitty deviantART submissions featuring the stringed noise-maker.

clemintine and me by ~animaniac323

A pretty good rule of thumb for picking the background of a drawing is to choose a different color than the one used to outline the subject matter. Furthermore, black outline around a black-bodied guitar is just asking for trouble. Speaking of trouble, it looks like the artist ran into a bit of it trying to keep the lines of the neck and the strings straight, leaving us with a hilariously misshapen heap of 4-stringed shit (Despite the fact that there should be 6 strings, as indicated by the tuning keys). It is an awkwardly shaped guitar fit for the awkwardly shaped subject character who, tragically, was born without hips and with one leg far larger than the other.

Bonnie Rocks – colored by *Jeepika

This piece is actually a colorized version of a submission by another artist. However, I decided to complain about this colored piece, because I am confounded by the fact that someone actually took the time to fill in the blank space of this uninspired piece of line art shit.

Look at that gigantic hair: It looks like someone tore open an oversized basketball and stapled it to the top of this miserable broad-shouldered bitch. There is something horribly wrong with the proportion and placement of her breasts, as indicated by the large gap in her cleavage. Add to that hideously misshapen legs and horrible joints, and it’s a wonder this poor girl can keep her balance standing up let alone play her impractically long-necked guitar. Yet, despite all this, she manages to keep a smile on her grotesque face. Inspiring.

PAUL by ~KasheekOfSparta

You can argue that the character’s decidedly slender figure is “stylistic”. That’s fair enough. You can argue that his seemingly oversized left fist is due to the piece’s perspective. There’s a valid argument for that. What cannot be excused or explained away is the obnoxious, unfunny, single non sequitur line of dialogue, which has nothing to do with the rest of the picture at all. Unless that’s supposed to be a poorly-drawn baby he’s crushing in his hand, which it very well might be, since I can’t think of anything else it seems to resemble.

As long as we’re paying attention to the guitars in these pieces (Something this artist probably hoped we wouldn’t do), I’m pretty sure that isn’t the right way to use a guitar strap. Then again, what do I know? “PAUL” here is clearly a master of guitars [and infanticide].

just the two of us by ~Dogma353

Alternate Title: “just the two of us, because nobody else is willing to put up with me”

What’s the point of learning the guitar if you have nobody to play it for? For Dogma353, it’s all about the companionship between her and her musical instrument. Sadly enough, it took visiting the submitter’s profile to figure out that we are, in fact, looking at a girl in this photograph. When you come across as androgynous as this, you really can’t afford to go with the goth look: Painting your fingernails and dying your hair is quickly negated by pentagram medallions and all-black attire. At this point, you might as well just slap a sticker on your back that says “I can be either gender you want me to be. My guitar is my only friend. Please fuck me.”

Mick Mars by ~JCRipley

Question: How do you make Mick Mars, lead guitarist of Mötley Crüe, more cool than he already is?
Answer: Invert a photograph of his ankylosing spondylitis-afflicted ass, while he isn’t even playing his guitar!

Yes folks: Submitter JCRipley has found it fit to use the invert tool for nearly every fucking submission he has made to deviantART. That’s certainly one way to claim your works as “Original Content”. Of all the photos JCRipley could have “worked his magic” on, he had to pick one where Mars isn’t even playing his instrument? Let’s face it: Rock and roll is ruined.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: The obligatory “picture so bad, there are no words for it”.

the out of tune guitar by ~Ranger-Akimbo-FTW

Rock on, guys and gals. Peace, love, and power to the working class.

Fanskit Fiesta Review #6: Christmas Special

djmTp — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 07:58:30 +0000

With the Christmas spirit in full bloom, I decided there is no better present than making oneself feel better by making others look bad. Christmas + Cosplay is a pretty popular trend, and what better way to show off this wonderful holiday? Am I right?

If you said yes, burn in hell.

Speaking of hell, here is some special Christmas music to get you in that holiday cheer to read this article in it’s up-most quality!

Pushing Me Away Xmas Remix – Linkin Park

Upcoming movie still from the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

Pardon my french, but I’m sure there is something wrong here. Oh yeah. WHAT THE FUCK IS FREDDY DOING IN FRONT OF A CHRISTMAS TREE? I mean for fucks sake, using your Halloween costume this late in the year is unforgivable. I want to say this women in the picture was forced into it, and raped later with the glove knives. Then maybe I could forgive this guy for trying to have a good time during the holidays. (PRO TIP: Not the way to do it, buddy.)

Riku, you look a little sexy to me.

I hate the world right now. If you don’t know already, I have a beef with Kingdom Hearts fans. All of them are annoying little fucks who think to deeply into things. Of course, I am a KH fan myself, which anyone here at Fanskit Fiesta would point out to you with ease. However, I differ from them because of one thing: I DON’T DO THE SHIT IN THE ABOVE PICTURE SHOWN. Whatever happened to enjoying a game and leaving it at that? Where did cosplay start becoming a factor? Why is Riku in a fucking Santa dress? I guess we may never know the answers to any of these questions.

Well, this Christmas party sure is lonely...

This is supposed to be a portrayal of Momo from Bleach. Do you see the resemblance? Maybe the hair? Not really. Honestly what else is there to say, other than this bitch will never get laid in her life. Oh well, the beat goes on and all of that.

Hark, what be this? Final Fantasy 8?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS

BOOBS! LOOK AT THAT CLEAVAGE OH YEAH I AM SO HORNY LOOK AT THOSE LEGS I JUST JIZZED EVERYWHERE THAT IS THE CHIRSTMAS SPIRIT BITCH HOW ABOUT YOU AND I GO DOWN A CHIMNEY AND WE WILL SEE WHO IS THE HO HO HO GET IT?

Merry fucking Christmas you filthy animals. And a happy fucking new year. A new year means more of this shit for me. Fuck you. Fuck everything.

HOLY SHIT, WHY?
The ever popular segment of a picture so strange, it needs no review.

Axel... Sucking... Gay... FAG.

"Alone and Remote": A Fanfic About Feces and Foxes.

Habermann — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 10:47:45 +0000

Today’s story was submitted to deviantART by AvikaW, who has posted over a hundred fucking pieces of fanfiction on his dA gallery over the course of his four years on the site. Not to mention, a few pieces of awful fanart, which you might as well just classify as more fucking fanfiction with the ridiculous walls of text on display in them. Tim Buckley, eat your fucking heart out.

————————————————————————————————————

“Why me? Why us? Why now?”

You tell me, you talentless hack: You’re the goddamn author, here.

Fox awoke in the wreckage of his arwing. He looked at the instrument panel.

“Breathable atmosphere. Guess we’re probably not dying afterall.”

Krystal was sitting on his lap, as her ship was destroyed during the mission. He regretted accepting her offer to ride with him, believing that his desire to get closer to her may have doomed her.

Fox opened the canopy and got out, lifting and carrying his unconcious wife to safety. The air on the planet was clean, disturbingly clean. No planet should be that clean unless, unless Lylatian civilization hadn’t spread to this particular planet.

This is as close as the story comes to giving us any sort of setting or context. I can totally understand the author expecting his readers to have played the Star Fox games, or to have read the previous installments to his story. But if knowing the events leading up to this part of the story is absolutely necessary, then it might help if he let us know what the last chapter was. I mean, come the fuck on! This guy has written literally hundreds of fucking stories. And from the looks of it, not all of them are Star Fox fanfic. Let’s say, for the sake of example, that a new reader wants to play catch-up and read the story from the beginning. Where the fuck are they supposed to start? Authors, take note: If you’re not going to let us in on what the previous chapter of your story was, at least give us a goddamn summary of it. Even the lamest 50’s sci-fi serials give brief backstories at the beginning of each installment!

“What now?”

Fox looked at his arwing. The nose was crushed like a can and torn apart like paper. The wings were completely torn off and the engine was unrecognizable. It was a maracle that the cockpit held together as well as it did. Why did it crash? Previous arwings lost entire wings and engines and still got the job done. This arwing took only a few hits to the engine and went down like a wounded bird. Probably one of Slippy’s “upgrades”. Fox thought that Slippy was losing his touch. Now he knew it. Stupid frog.

If you’re going to throw tired similes at us, at least have the common courtesy to not reuse the same fucking adjective twice in a row. Nevermind the fact that it’s pretty difficult for the nose of an air vehicle to be crushed (Read also; “Compacted, but still in one lousy piece”) as well as “torn” like a piece of flimsy paper, but immediately telling us how the wings had been “torn” off immediately afterward is just poor writing. Note the misspelling of the word “miracle” as “maracle”, showing that our would-be novelist has yet to acquaint himself with the most important tool in the modern author’s proverbial tool belt: Spellcheck.

He then thought about home. Corneria would go looking for their hero, even if it meant saving the blue “traitor”. Surely Falco and Slippy would look for them. Afterall, Fox wasn’t just their friend, he was their employer. Without him, they’re out of a job.

Krystal is a “traitor”, now? Once again: Something that would have been nice to fucking know earlier, without having to do any digging through his enormous pile of previous works. Also, the “logic” bit at the end is a bit silly, if you ask me. I would figure that Falco and Slippy being Fox’s friends would be more of a motivating factor than his happening to be their employer as well. Does the author mean to tell us that if there was no working obligation involved, Falco and Slippy would leave Fox for dead? I mean, after all: He’s only their fucking friend, right?

But would they find him and Krystal? Probably not. The planet was in a different system, probably too far away from any Lylat-controlled system for any rescue to be possible. It probably didn’t really matter. Fox had grown to loathe the pressure that comes with hero status. He hated being criticized for merely getting the job done in a merely perfect matter. They wanted better than good. They wanted better than great. They wanted better than the best. One more mission and Fox would likely have drank himself to death.

There’s probably a bit too much repetition in this paragraph. I reckon there probably is. This paragraph probably employs more annoying repetition than any other paragraph in this mess of a fanfiction. It probably doesn’t really matter, since this paragraph is the least of this fucking story’s problems. After all, we shouldn’t expect this to be written in a merely perfect matter. We shouldn’t expect better than good. We shouldn’t expect better than great. We shouldn’t expect better than the best. One more fanfiction like this and I’m probably going to drink myself to death.

And what about Krystal? Lylat hated her for “betraying” their “hero”. They spat on her and pissed on her and pelted her with stones and garbage. They called her names and threw poo at her like monkeys. Had it not been for her love of Fox, she would have blown her brains out long ago.

Jesus fucking Christ! That’s a bit fucking graphic, don’t you think? Are all the citizens of the Lylat system just whipping out their dicks whenever she walks by and giving her golden showers? Or do they give her a “breakfast in bed” sort of deal and break into her fucking house? The monkey metaphor doesn’t even fucking work, considering there are actual monkeys in the Star Fox universe. Unless, of course, there’s some previous chapter I didn’t bother to read in which all monkeys are wiped from the face of the galaxy by some sort of banana virus. I do love the idea of this couple being suicidal, though: Between Fox’s alcoholism and Krystal’s depression, you’d think the pair would just pull a Romeo and Juliet and vow to be “together in Heaven” or some shit.

Maybe Fox should be thanking Slippy’s engine upgrade and its sudden malfunction. Had the engine not been crippled, he and Krystal would not have had this second chance.

“Second chance.”

Fox liked the sound of that. Second chance. They could start over. Fox could be a normal, nonfamous person for once and Krystal could finaly get the respect she deserved.

What the fuck? Why is “Second chance” in quotations? Did Fox just blurt out the words during his situation assessment? The non-quotation dialogue isn’t actually his inner monologue or anything: It’s the narrator providing us with explanations [minus context]. It’s the narrator who put the words “Second chance” on the table. Unless Fox can hear the narrator talking in his head, there’s hardly any reason he should choose those specific words to say out loud. I’m telling you, man: “Normal, nonfamous people” don’t have to put up with shit like this.

“What happened?”

Krystal woke up with a blinding headache. She ran up to Fox, tears streaming down her face as she wrapped her arms tightly around her husband.

“I was so scared, Fox.”

She tried desperately to avoid crying until the urge grew too strong. Her sobs started quietly but grew louder until it was painfully obvious. Fox knew that it wasn’t just the crash. No. The crash was the final straw, the spark. The real reason she was crying was her shitty life in the Lylat system. It was the insults and the spit. It was the garbage tossed at her everywhere she went. Fox tried his best to calm her, to reassure her.

“It’s alright” he told her, his arm holding her against him “It’s alright. That’s all in the past. You don’t have to worry about Corneria anymore. I’m here for you.”

Forget the insults and the spit: People are tossing their fucking feces at her, for fucks sake! If you’re going to provide us with such extreme circumstances, why reference circumstances that seem so goddamn tame in comparison? You want to talk about her having a “shitty life”? Why not mention the fact that people are literally tossing shit at her?

I’m here for you. Those four words were all she needed to feel better. He was always there for her, even if she didn’t want him to be. She knew that she didn’t have to worry as long as he was there for her.

“Thanks.”

Fox nodded and walked back to the arwing. He had remembered about the emergency supplies. Even if the faulty emergency radio didn’t work, there was still the food and alcohol. He had always insisted on alcoholic beverages in the kits because water would contaminate easily and the alcohol would kill just about any harmful microbe that dared fall into the booze. Alcohol also had a calming effect, valuable when you were stressed and didn’t have to worry about flying.

Alcoholics, take note: The next time the wife is nagging you about taking a six-pack along with you on your road trip, just tell the bitch that it’s to “avoid contamination”, and all those nasty microbes and shit. Then slap her, right in her stupid bitch face, for daring to question you! You don’t have a fucking alcohol problem! You can quit whenever the fuck you want!

Fox grabbed the kit and walked back to Krystal.

“Here’s the plan” he told her “while you won’t find this system on any map, there were reports of inhabited planets in this region in the galaxy. Some with primitive societies, some with advanced. Civilization, no matter how primitive, means food and drinkable water. We simply need to locate food and water supplies while also finding shelter. Your staff is our only weapon, so we have to be careful not to attract any unwanted attention from hostile predators.”

“Look bitch,” he told her. “I don’t give a shit if you’re alright, or if your ass is sore from us crashing into this totally mysterious planet the narrator previously stated I had no knowledge of. I know for a goddamn fact that there are societies around here, including some ones with some pretty advanced shit. The reason they aren’t on a map is because they refuse to be on one. That’s how fucking advanced they are and shit: A bunch of pretentious, elitist, fucking assholes. Now, we’re going to find ourselves some fucking water, because I only packed enough booze in the emergency kit for me, and my seed isn’t going to be enough to satisfy your fat fucking gut, you cunt. Use that magical staff of yours if need be, but remember that it was only powerful enough to keep me safe throughout the entirety of a shitty Gamecube game, so don’t go crying too loud and attracting hostile predators. Now, suck my dick for good luck!”

Krystal nodded and followed him as he ventured out into the forest. She didn’t know if they were going to survive, but Fox’s plan sure beat waiting by the wreckage for rescue that might never come.

I hope they get lost in a tree maze and fucking starve to death. The end.

Oo-la-lah! Lesbians!

Habermann — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 15:48:20 +0000

I’d like to think that most men can agree that lesbians are fucking hot as hell. Of course, when I say “lesbians”, I don’t mean ACTUAL lesbians, who are typically ugly / fat / otherwise unappealing to the opposite sex. When I say “lesbians”, I mean straight girls who are paid money to make out while I rub one out, before performing in another cheap flick in which they suck dick. Unfortunately, among us straight men lurk deviantARTists, who pay tribute to girl-on-girl action by putting their pen to the fucking paper. Showcased today are pieces of art that make lesbians look lame as fuck.

“Yuri randomness”

The only thing “random” about this piece is the consistency of bodily proportion. Other than that, it’s as generic as poorly-drawn girl-on-girl artwork gets, complete with vacant gigantic eyes and an attention to breasts that you wish the artist would apply to the rest of this fucking disaster. In the description, SAL13CHILE himself admits that this piece is “REALLY BAD”, and that he threw it all together in 5 minutes time during a class. Perhaps he should invest more time in his education, and less on expressing his creativity (or lack thereof).

“Buff Chun Li and Cammy”

This Street Fighter fanart takes Chun-Li’s already ridiculous “thunder thighs”, and takes them to an extreme only a daily steroid regiment can achieve. Not content in transforming the “First Lady of Fighting Games” into a muscled man, the artist feels the need to drag Cammy White into the mix: A character who wasn’t particularly “muscular” in the games. Shirtless and striking poses, it’s hard to tell whether they’re ready to start scissoring one another or to start lifting fucking weights.

“Peach X Rosalina”

With breasts drawn twice as large as their heads, it’s plain as day that our artist has an unnatural obsession with unnatural tits. In fact, he doesn’t even bother drawing a pair of asses for this pair of princesses: The picture cuts out mid-stomach, so the breasts can fill the frame to fucking capacity. As such, I’ve got no idea what Rosalina’s doing back there that has Peach panting and salivating like a fucking dog. But, to be honest, I’m sort of happy that I can’t. After all, if we caught a clear glimpse of what’s going on back there, the image might come to mind again when admiring a similar scene in the future [in proper pornography], and totally ruin the fucking moment.

“They say is my fault”

And the award for the most pointy pair of ladies goes to… This jagged monstrosity! Those girls better be careful while they’re rubbing each other down: They might cut each other up with their razor-sharp elbows. Or worse yet, gutting each other open with their dagger chins while trying to suck on the other’s teets! And honestly, with the both of them weighing in together at maybe fifty pounds, the slightest blood loss could prove fatal. Ugh… This image brings too many mental images to mind, none of them erotic.

“Dude, what have I done.”

Well, that just about does it for me: I’ll never be able to get off to lesbians again. It looks like I’ll have to swear off them now, for the fear this horrible mental image pops up in my head again. For fucks sake: I’ve seen drawings of twelve year old girls being gutted by their twelve year old female lovers, and not even that sickened me as much as whatever the fuck this shit is. Thanks alot, TSWargelf! You found a way to ruin two hot chicks touching each other!

Paint is cruise control for cool

Mr. Kaiser — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:36:12 +0000

just liked the photo and i thout [sic!] it would look good with the iris of the eyes removed

Well, no, lol.

Daniel of the DEAAADDDD

Mr. Kaiser — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 16:38:08 +0000

Pick ONE of this guy’s pictures, just ONE PICTURE.. and it automatically will be shit. Not only does it look like a shitty webcomic, it also deals with the same shitty webcomic subjects: Sex, homosexuality and clowns.

But at first we should look at his profile page, shouldn’t we? Maybe he’s just one lonely guy being misunderstood.

Interests: music. chicks. p0rn. food (sometimes).
Favourite band or musician: KoRn
Favourite genre of music: punk rock and heavy metal

Well, fuck.

“Make Out”

Seriously, do you need an art critic who explains what is wrong with this picture? Don’t you see it by yourself? The shitty stick figures? The drawing style? The bleeding hair? The shitty random Invader Zim-esque “monkey cheese” storyline? Speaking of cheese…

“CHEESE?”

Yes, he drew a picture dealing with.. cheese. Wow. Apparently stick figures are so lifeless that he had to include the emotion in the speech bubble. Great job, Danny.

“Bisexual”

Seriously, what is with this guy’s obsession with consexual relationships? He drew several comics about his annoying gay friend including one where Danny makes him turn into.. Sushi?

“Stella”

I’m actually scared after reading this comic. Danny is a creepy psychopath and this picture proves it. There’s no way you can go back on this now.

“Daniel and Rebecca”

Wait, what happened to his gay friend? Oh, right, he turned into Sushi. So, all shitty stick figure drawing aspects aside, there’s nothing anomalous about this dra…

Oh, you motherfucker.

Some may wonder: How does Danny actually look like in real life? It’s not like finding a picture of him would be really hard – you just need a few clicks and there you go:

Remember this face. You will see it in the next school killing spree.

The last thing left for me to say about Daniel-of-the-DED is…

Together with U

Mr. Kaiser — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:33:18 +0000

As much as I love “lo-fi webcomics“, this one really takes the cake. Seriously, I don’t know where to begin criticising that picture: The heads are totally deformed, the shitty weeaboo style with a whiff of teenage angst bullshit, OR THE FACT THAT THE RIGHT GIRL’S FEET ARE CRIPPLED AND YOU CAN SEE HER FUCKING VAGINA.
According to the artist’s DeviantArt profile, she has uploaded several “comics”, so we’re only going to scratch the surface – by looking at page 1 of the abomination that is “Together with U”.

Wait a minute – what happened to the coloring? The artist violates her own canon after ONE page! Can you believe that?
I wish I could describe what’s happening on that page, but fuck.. I just can’t decipher it. Is “Neji-kun” (great name, by the way) a man? Is “Haruka-san” (More like Hanuta-san, hurfdurf) in love with him/her/it? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?? Oh, and great writing error in panel 5 (“That’s what he always say…”). True artists don’t need grammar.
But what really irks me out is the drawing in panel 6. Seriously, just look at it.

This crap deserves its own article. Why is the blob in the background faceless? And why does it have mysterious black dots? Does “Together with U” take place in a parallel universe where the Black Death is still vivid? And look at the smug bitch in the foreground: There’s a blob having the plague behind her and all she does is picking her nose.

Fuck this.

Mr. Kaiser's Collection of Shorts

Mr. Kaiser — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:37:00 +0000

1. Pika-Pika!

Source: Unknown

Look at the people in the background, trying to ignore that fat bitch molesting her cat.

Also, SLIPPERS.

2. NO

Source: http://mericle.deviantart.com/art/Bill-Kaulitz-Fursona-59335350

A fursona ref for my idol Bill Kaulitz, the singer of Tokio Hotel (one of the best bands ever!).

I’m not gonna analyse this picture and instead just say:

OH GOD WHY?

3. You got your udders wrong

Source: http://lilleahwest.deviantart.com/art/moo-cow-103035728

Haha, oh, look, she even has a badge on her ear! So “cow-esque”!!!!! Why the fuck would people want to dress up dress up as cows anyway? Why don’t you dress up like cool animals, for example amoebas?

4. The new H.G. Wells

Source: http://bluelink97.deviantart.com/art/The-worlds-worst-nightmare-pt4-128035477

Over half of the Galacitc Federation fleet has been destroyed! The ships that blew up the moon have now turned against Weegee, but it doesn’t look like their weapons are doing anything!

Source: http://bluelink97.deviantart.com/art/the-worlds-worst-nightmare-pt5-128036931

Well, it looks like we’re screwed, because Weegee destroyed the Galactic Federation fleet

Source: http://bluelink97.deviantart.com/art/The-worlds-worst-nightmare-pt6-128037478

The battle is now over, and Weegee has won. Existence as we know it is over.

These pictures truly are “The World’s Worst Nightmare”.

What the fuck is this shit?

Mr. Kaiser — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:59:21 +0000

IT JUST DOESN’T STOP AAAARGH

And he also drew this: