devART Coalition for Quality Control

Bloody Tears and Pretentious Smears

Habermann — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:45:15 +0000

There isn’t much respect for “edgy art” on the mainstream circuit. To casual art fans, the ideas of enema painting or jacking off onto paper and calling it a completed piece seem to be ridiculous extremes to take, even for the sake of “expression.” Surprise surprise: The mainstream might be onto something for once. But until the alternative art scene is willing to accept that the majority can occasionally be right, we’re stuck with “edgy for the sake of edge” bullshit like blood art.

“What could blood art possibly be”, you may ask? Well, I figured it was quite self-explanatory, but since I’ve got an article to pad out here, I’ll indulge you just this once. Blood art is when an artist chooses to forgo paints and pencils and use their own blood (Or an external reserve) to paint their pieces. It almost seems tame compared to that aforementioned enema painting, doesn’t it? Perhaps the most popular figure to emerge from the blood art scene is Jack Crowley, the appropriately proclaimed “Blood Artist” (Who just recently uploaded his works to deviantART). For what it’s worth, Crowley’s art isn’t completely awful, despite consisting almost entirely of portrait pieces.

Today’s tartlet, however, seems to take major offense to Crowley’s work. Not because he finds the method disturbing, mind you; but because he doesn’t think Crowley’s got big enough balls. I-am-Orange-Socks claims that he is the first true blood artist, and that Crowley is nothing more than a coward of a hack. From his dA journal:

Casey the blood artist, alias Jack Crowley is considered by many to be the first blood artist. While we appear to have much in common, “Casey the blood artist” is my mortal enemy, the childish bastard believes that I am a “17 year old fag emo kid” and that I should kill myself

Very impolite, he blocked me from his deviant page and proceeded to plaster mine with various profanities (ranging from “go suck a salted dick and die” to “kill yourself and your family”).

He uses the blood of rattlesnakes, other people and when he does use his own blood he has it taken out with a needle by a nurse. I pointed out that this was weak, real men use knives, use their own blood and toughen up to the pain of the blade, not needles like the ones children are given so that they don’t catch colds.

He didn’t like that very much, so he has made it a point to insult me for his own simple amusement and pleasure. Casey, I am the first true blood artist.

Them’s fightin’ words if I ever heard ‘em! Orange-Socks goes on in his entry to state his admiration for women who use their menstrual blood as their medium, that he is “certainly no emo,” and that he does not paint in this way for the attention. We’ll come back to this point later. But first, Orange-Socks was so kind as to provide a guide on how he collects his blood for his art, which should warrant a read.

Preparation by ~I-am-Orange-Socks

It starts the same way as oh-so-many crazy party nights, with a sharp knife, a jar of fresh water, and a handful of tissues. Orange-Socks stresses the health element in the description of this piece, warning against the use of powersaws to open wounds as if anybody could possibly be retarded enough to contemplate doing so, and using three exclamation marks to stress the importance of “always have fresh water!!!” He references a pre-drawn pencil piece off-screen that he “couldn’t be bothered to include” since it “has nothing to actually do with the bleeding.” Actually, wouldn’t it have everything to do with why you’re bleeding?

Scars of blood art by ~I-am-Orange-Socks

Next, we move on to the all-important “showing off” part of the tutorial, in which Orange-Socks shows off his scars. You know, as bad-ass as having scars can look (Besides getting the ladies wet as the journal of Personality and Individual Differences claims), they’re decidedly less impressive when you know that their victim sculpted them him or herself. Orange-Socks is considering carving a spiders web or the iron cross into his skin so his own body can become “art.” Laughably enough, a paragraph later, he takes two steps back and advocates “cutting somewhere where it’s not too noticeable,” indicating that “most people tend to think you’re suicidal if they see what you’re doing.” You heard that, folks? The next time you see some lanky kid dressed in all black with hair in front of his eyes and scars on his wrists, ask him if he’s into blood art before you start drawing conclusions!

First cuts, and applying by ~I-am-Orange-Socks

We finally reach the “open wound” section of the tutorial, in which Orange-Socks instructs his readers on how to open a wound and get the blood flowi- Hold on just a moment folks. I’m being told that posting images of self-harm in progress are against deviantART’s code of conduct? And apparently, instructing potential kids on how to cut themselves is dangerously reckless and stupid? Who would have guessed!? Apparently, not Orange-Socks, as commenters on the piece had to step in to explain the obvious to him, as well as to attempt to discourage him from his line of stupidity. Luckily, silly things like “rules” and “reckless endangerment” have never stopped us, so up the picture shall stay on here!

Over a series of 4 more photos (1, 2, 3, 4), Orange-Socks documents how to apply your newly liberated blood to a decidedly boring sketch of a river. 3 to 4 layers should do the trick nicely, apparently. Shove it, proper paint! As a bonus he includes a photo of himself modeling an oddly non-orange sock and showing off his scars again, before explaining how to clean up after your mess. The latter “Clean up and finish” submission includes a rather entertaining quote which falls squarely under the “Geez, you think?” category.

4. Don’t tell people you’re doing blood art. I’ve lost friends over this (didn’t really lose them, they just think I’m a freak and don’t talk to me much anymore), while true friends stick with you through these things, you may lose people who matter to you.

With that amusing glimpse into his disintegrating social life, the tutorial is complete. And we should theoretically be better artists for it I suppose? To be fair to dA here, the general user populace is bright enough to never try anything this stupid and dangerous (Though just barely bright enough to remember to breath), and it’s doubtful this tutorial will ever end up being used by anyone as anything more than laugh or shock material.

So, for all this trouble and claiming that he manages to top the likes of Crowley, what art does Orange-Socks have to show for his suffering? 3 pieces, as of this moment in time. Actually, it’s more like 2 and 1/2, and here they are!

Freedom’s vice by ~I-am-Orange-Socks

Materials: Human blood, Indian ink

[...] Continuing with ideas of rights abuse, capitalism, corporate greed, etc, etc.

First up is this decidedly disappointing display! This is what all the fuss is about? Orange-Socks can’t even paint between the lines for crissakes! Is he woozy from the blood loss when he paints or what? Other than the fact it amounts to little more than a child’s doodle of a skull and ornate hat, could he possibly have chosen a more generic concept to express? Surprise surprise folks: He’s anti-government! Just like every other pimple-faced teenage shitheel with a Green Day t-shirt and no real-world experience with the horrors of a world without government. As if it that all wasn’t enough, he even uploaded a second take of this picture with some extra charcoal fuckery for good measure.

Virgin tears w charcoal by ~I-am-Orange-Socks

An oversized poorly detailed eye crying blood? This is as bland as bland can be, folks. This is the very bottom of the barrel concept-wise. The fact the blood in the piece is actual blood adds NOTHING to it, other than poor filling effect and a rusty smell! This is where the whole blood art concept falls apart: Blood was never intended as some kind of alternative to proper paint. Blood is intended to circulate nutrients and oxygen throughout a body, not constrast charcoal in some kindergarten-grade sketchbook page.

Which brings us back to the topic of what blood art is good for, and why anyone would choose to use it as a medium. Let’s let Jack Crowley sum it up, shall we?

Q: Give a brief history of where you got the idea come to create the form of art you are doing ?

A: I got the idea in college back in 1995, after going to museums and looking at endless amounts of shitty “art”. (I’m referring to hacks like Jackson Pollock that get drunk and throw paint over their shoulder onto a canvas and call it art). Nobody is doing anything original or unique at all, so I figured that painting with blood would be both original and shocking. Also,I like seeing people get shocked and revolted, yet still say it’s good.

What’s that? It’s all for shock value? Well, isn’t that a shocker in itself! The fact of the matter is, blood isn’t as reliable or efficient as red paint, and I’ll be damned if you can paint anything other than shades of red and brown with it without mixing in proper coloring or dye. It’s a bid for attention, which is fine if you’re willing to admit it, but just makes you look like a pretentious shit-eating smug fuck when you repeatedly claim it’s about “expression.” And let me tell you folks: You’ll be hard-pressed to dig up anything more pretentious and smug than lines like this, taken from that previously quoted first journal entry by Orange-Socks:

Some have asked “Are you saying that you’re a dead woman thrown in a ditch wearing only orange socks”
I reply “Why of course my literal oaf of a friend, that is entirely my intention. You fucking piece of shit, why would you want to live if you’re so fucking stupid?!”

What I mean is, I am Orange Socks, I am nobody, I have no identity, no name, I am nothing.
If I am nothing, I am everything.
If I am everything, I am omnipotent.
If I am omnipotent, I am God.

Ergo, Orange Socks is God. Not literally of course, God delusions and other miscellaneous misconceptions/hallucinations of power are for the weak willed unable to accept their situations in life.

It’s reaffirming to know that behind the desperate pleas for attention which he claims to be anything but, and underneath all the scars, there’s a genuine fucking waste of a human being beneath it all. Overly dramatic, hilariously defensive, laughably arrogant, and thoroughly untalented. In short, utterly worthless for little more than our own entertainment. Though, it’s a bit sad when the best thing that could possibly happen for a kid like this is for him to accidentally open up an artery, wake up in a hospital, and be forced to get the help he’s deluded himself into believing he doesn’t need.

The Production Diary of Some Cookie Licking Whore

Hbomberguy — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 01:39:38 +0000

I already wrote a short piece about one of cookielickerxox’s pictures for this article, but surprise surprise I stumbled upon her works again in the ‘Most Recent’ section of deviantART. It was such an interesting coincidence that I had to look deeper at her work.

Cookielickerxox has only been signed up for deviantART for the better part of two months, but already they’ve drawn a whopping 82 pictures! Rounding up, that’s an average of three a day. Now obviously someone who works that fast must be uber-talented, right? Rome WAS built in a day, after all. Wow, I’ve mentioned the term ‘day’ twice in a paragraph. Let’s extend that little motif into an entire article! How about we look at a few random days in the life of cookielickerxox and see how her art has improved over the course of the month? For an added bonus, let’s cite her (Totally real) secret diary and see what she thinks of life on the net!

———————–

31 March 2010 (Day One)
Dear Diary,

Today I decided to start a deviantART page. I’m ecstatic! It seems like a community where people can really make a splash if they do something unique! So I thought to myself ‘I should draw something really fucked up, so that way people will notice me.’ Now, I don’t know about you, Diary, (well, I do, because I made you out of my brother’s skin) but I find my dreams scary. I drew those!

Into the Darkness. by ~cookielickerxox

I really hated that dream where I float through nothingness. Then I realize no-one would like this picture, because it wasn’t “anime” enough! I’ve even written on my profile that I’m an anime artist:

So I have to stay true to that, right? So I gave myself white hair. Everyone loves white hair, right? I also noticed that my dreams are actually quite dull, so I added a bunch of amorphous purple blobs. Those are scary! I first thought of making them look like hands, but I gave up. Hands are hard! I made sure not to draw nipples, because deviantART is a place for people of all ages, and the human body is a scary thing!

I realized my dreams weren’t scary enough, so started to draw from memory!

Chained Angel. by ~cookielickerxox

I didn’t need any reference! I remembered the pose so well from the five years I spent chained up in the basement. I remembered to add a wing and anime hair first time, so it looks totally kawaii desu to the max too :3

I still didn’t think my life experiences were unique, scary, or anime enough, so I stole some of my Dad’s heroin and locked myself in my room with some anime DVDs.

Future Fortold. by ~cookielickerxox

I had this weird vision where a poorly-drawn miniature statue was sitting on my head, and I was bleeding on one hand and crying on the other. It’s my best yet! I’m not entirely sure how blood works, so I’m going to just pretend it flows in separate, jerky trails. I mean, how likely is it that blood moves exactly like water? HA! NOT VERY!

I hope people like my art :3

———————–

27 April 2010 (Day Twenty-Eight)
Dear Diary,

Today I tried to take a good picture of myself, but I could only take some of my upper body and a little bit of my head because my hands are too jittery from all the heroin. Being a super-creative kawaii anime artist has it’s negative sides sometimes! I decided it would make a great picture, so I got to work. Then I noticed the sour expression on my giant face, and the fact I generally look like a demon, so I just used the basics and drew a demon instead!

Fire Eyez. by ~cookielickerxox

I really think I got the glow right. No wait, I didn’t. Luckily I recolored the exact same picture and uploaded that too, just to make sure people had a version they liked!

Fire Eyez. -black and white- by ~cookielickerxox

Hold on. What if people don’t like color? I don’t want to sacrifice the GOOD NAME I’ve been making for myself these past 28 days! Just in case, I’d better upload just the outlines. It’s not like the Internet was designed for hosting USEFUL things, right?

Line drawing 3 by ~cookielickerxox

Three versions of the exact same picture. That’s what I call a hard day’s work! I should get a job doing art…or a job at all, for that matter. *sigh* At least the internet won’t fire me for being lazy. It’s not like I just got three pictures’ worth of content from one easy drawing or anything.

I’ll be the next Van Gogh in no time! ;3

———————–

15 May 2010 (Day Forty-Six)
Dear Diary,

I think the Heroin’s starting to become a problem. I didn’t even realize I drew something yesterday:

I have no heart to love you, by ~cookielickerxox

I don’t even know what I was trying to draw. I think I was trying to draw that time I was eating a Ham and I accidentally ripped it in half with my bare hands. I thought there was some light at the end of the tunnel though, Diary, because I kept my standards. I didn’t draw any nipples. Thank God! I might have been banned! And then what would I have done with my life? Take an Art class? The very thought of it scares me more than a day without Heroin. It’s tough at the top, I can tell you, Diary. So tough, today I thought of ending it all.

So I did. But with my Art. I’m better than Salvador motherfucking Dali.

Sam’s Confession Scene. by ~cookielickerxox

I noticed three things in the picture that make it obvious I was way too high when I drew this:

My eyes are going pink. That’s how my eyes really look in real life after all the injecting there!
There are three hands in the picture, and only one of them is mine. Where did my other arm go? Simple. I was so high on heroin and methadone that I forgot.
I forgot to do the awesome anime hair! I must have been really fucked up, I never forget the hair!

Maybe I do have a problem.

———————–

LAST ENTRY
Dear Diary,

Today someone made fun of my Art on the Internet. It’s the one I drew where I added Noah’s Ark just because I know I’m better than the Bible! Obviously, despite the overtly sarcastic nature of the article they wrote, they’re some kind of Christian nutcase! Those people are so fucked up, unlike us Deviant Artists!

I wrote I think they should go get a life. Which they should. I mean, how bored and lifeless do you have to be to make pointless crap for the recognition of Internet people you’ll never meet offline?

Well, I’d better go draw three more things today. Maybe then I’ll feel like I achieved something when I go get my Welfare check for more heroin and pocky.

[Diary Ends]

Well my fellow Kultists, it looks like I’ve been well and truly schooled. I totally don’t have a life at all, and no creativity whatsoever. It makes me sad sometimes… By the way, the nice folks at MTV picked up my screenplay! The animated series airs in September, see you there!

Kagome, Empress of Darkness VS A Major Copyright Dispute

Hbomberguy — Mon, 31 May 2010 20:39:39 +0000

People tell us that we’re unfoundedly mean and evil for making fun of the pictures on deviantART. But the problem is that deviantART is an abyss, and in the words of everyone’s favourite German: ‘The abyss gazes also into you.’ Hence, we’ve become corrupted and turned into such meanies due to the very art we’ve seen. In other words, it’s your own damn fault. Don’t invent crazy pills and then complain when madmen eat your dog.

Today’s abyss-gazing platter is served by SivsKittyCat358, and her “Original Character” Kagome (What an orginal name for an original character!).

KagomexChase by ~SivsKittyCat358

“Oh boy” indeed. I don’t know who the character on the right is, but somehow I think they weren’t drawn by SivsKittyCat358. Like many of the works METOKUR is responsible for ’stealing,’ this picture contains content itself stolen. Who’da thought it? Let’s take a look at the copyright information provided in the picture’s description:

Xiaolin Showdown (C) belongs to different company
Kagome(C) belongs to me

Do you see anything weird about stealing a character from a show you like and using them as a love interest for your character without even caring to find out what company created them? I’m pretty sure you can get sued for that. Hey, Warner Bros. Animation, (I timed it, it took me less than ten seconds to find out who owns the fucking show); I think it’s time you flexed those legal muscles and took this KittyCat(358) to court! Let’s list the violations of the Copyrights and Patents Act:

Misrepresentation of Copyrighted Material
Unauthorised Use of Copyrighted Material
Failure to Name and Notify Copyright Holder

Wow, three. Looks like a lot of money (or jail time) is about to exchange hands!

Let’s focus on the non-copyrighted characters and focus on the even more moronic one. Kagome, a Japanese girl’s name, has been assigned to a white girl. A white girl with some kind of latex hat that exactly compliments her hair. The hat I can’t explain, but the name was probably wish fulfillment on the creator’s part, angry and upset that her parents never gave her an anime name. I can’t tell what Kagome is saying because the text is really fucking small, even in comparison to that of Chase, the sexy Xiaolin man on the right. Well, Chase isn’t really saying it, because the speech bubble isn’t pointed at anyone in the fucking picture. Also is it just me or is the text in said speech bubble varying in size? It’s almost like the creator forgot they hadn’t finished the sentence and carried on in the wrong-sized font. Amazing work so far, SivsKittyCat358!

This tartlet’s creations are terrible, so of course my first reaction was to try and click out of my Browser. Sadly, due to some kind of unfortunate hardware malfunction, I clicked onto one of her stories, entitled ‘Kagome, Empress of Darkness?’ Let’s have good laugh at this worthless shitpile together, shall we?

Kagome, Empress of Darkness? by ~SivsKittyCat358

Leslie was in pain and as she gave birth, an infant girl came out.

Oh shit, really? Now THAT is writing against the trend! Usually pregnancies are painless procedures that birth fully grown able-bodied men, ready to turn the wheels of the Stalin’s war machine. No wait, that was a daydream and you’re a fucking idiot.

Hayao comes in the room and the next thing he knew, Leslie died right in front of his eyes. Hayao was most sadden and angry that she dies, giving birth.

Now you might find it a little disheartening that the tenses changed from past to present in the space of a single paragraph, and you might find it a little uncouth of our little Austen to be rationalising the emotions of her characters down to emoticons. But me, I’m most annoyed by the fact this entire story is nothing but a garbage jumble of words in seemingly random order. The writer clearly has no understanding of prefixes, suffixes, or tense. I’ve seen Google Translate write more coherent sentences from Mandarin Chinese than this teenager’s unintelligible turd of a sentence.

Kagome was alone and lost in her mind ever since all the 5 mothers were no Influence to Kagome at all.

Kagome was alone and lost in her mind ever since all the 5 mothers were no Influence to Kagome at all.

I don’t even have anything to say.

I’d love to provide literary criticism, I really would. But this is past the point of no return. This is just such utter crap I don’t even think I need to explain why it’s crap.

Meanwhile in the lair of Chase Young, he was drumming his fingers from his pinkie to his index finger like 1-2-3-4- a few times. Thinking hard and thought about that shadow he saw in the crystal ball, but Chase didn’t know about any dark shadow like that.

Masterful work there, Sivs. I’m impressed by the multitasking prowess of Chase, how he can both THINK HARD and THINK at the same time. I’m certainly looking forward to the meeting between these two intricately-designed charac- oh wait you stole Chase from an Anime. Anne Frank was a better writer than this, and she never even intended people to read her work!

I’ll finish you with the final line of this literary opus:

The problem is that Kagome was never given a chance at a taste of power and freedom.

The highly “bare bones” nature of this story means a lot of the information is up to the reader’s interpretation. Mine? The writer’s father raped her. Or perhaps, given the sheer inanity of the text, vice versa. The thought just occurred to me that the author concerned in this article might well be male. There’s no particular implication they’re female, though the ‘writing’ and ‘art’ suggest a form of delusion usually constrained to the fairer chromosome. I COULD check his/her/she’s user page and find out, but like the second half of the Kagome: Empress of Darkness saga, I’d rather be ambiguous on the facts for the sake of sanity.

EDIT: Since the creation of this article, SivsKittyCat358 has removed the picture and story concerned here, at the same time leaving a very upsetting entry in her journal.

The two messages she mentions are in fact someone completely unrelated (who coincidentally to be called ‘Hbomberman’) linking her to this very page, and in no way criticising her art. Maybe people will start showing her a little respect when she starts respecting the people who bring these things to her attention.

Hbomberguy’s Collection of Shorts

Hbomberguy — Sat, 29 May 2010 16:23:40 +0000

star trek by ~SavoyLemon

Now I know Spock (or ‘Leonard Nimoy’ as Kirk is putting it – demonstrating that the insanity brought on by this picture extends to the characters themselves) has a special Vulcan sign, but I didn’t know it involved having a broken hand with mutant fingers twisting away on the end of a floating arm. Savoylemon has shown me the way, and all it took him was years of watching Star Trek. I also like the way Spock’s trademark quote has been translated into “Hve long ano prosper” for a new generation of trekkies. It probably contains a bilingual bonus for Klingon speakers. Or people with Asperger’s syndrome, I get mixed up.

CE:Zapipi by ~Animeluvr67

This is according to the description a ‘Contest Entery’ for something called the ‘Zapipi contest.’ Here’s the blog post where it all began:

rulez:1.you have to be watched.if you said you watched me,i’ll check.if you are watched you are entered.if not,DO IT NOW!
2.you have to draw zapipi on MS paint or sheet of paper at home.NO STEALING!!!
3.HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PRIZES: 1st place:1 year membership and a llama 2nd place:11 month membership. 3rd:9 month membership.
4th place:6 month membership.5th:2 month membership

contest ends may 26th which is my birthday.”

I don’t know if the creator of the contest can win, but I’ve searched and searched for submissions to this competition and the closest entry that’s even viewable by the naked eye without summoning Lucifer directly into your occular lens was made by zapipikangocho, the very Deviant who began the contest themselves:

zapipis newest look by ~zapipikangocho

I can’t tell if the demented insignia on Zapipi’s chest is meant to be a lightning bolt or just a stylish jockstrap. I can’t tell if Zapipi’s unholy appendages are simple arms or really protrusions into the sapient realm from places man was not meant to see. I can’t even tell if the pink surrounding Zapipi’s tail is some remarkable birth defect or an aura emanating from the arse of Satan himself. Regardless, the most fear-inducing thing by far has to be that she seems to have cut eye holes into her hat to make room. Zapipikangocho, if you still have any sense of sanity or decency left in your swiftly melting mind, please quickly kill this creature and yourself, then have both her and your own bodies dissolved in acid. It’s the only way.
Why would you want to enter this travesty of a competition? If you had a crush on the girl who started it. Since Animeluver67 seems to be the only entrant, my assumption is that they, having been born in 1967, is an aging paedophile attempting to woo his underaged sweetheart with entries into her competition. Look at that picture up there again. Doesn’t it just scream ‘I want to have sex with small children?’ I think it does.

Boat by ~cookielickerxox

As a devout Christian, the Aeris lookalike’s dissappointment at being presented with the Ark that once carried the only remaining members of it’s own species greatly offends and upsets me. It also raises the question “Where were all the cat-human hybrids on Noah’s Ark?” Because there probably would have been something in the Bible about that. Oh yeah, there was. Something about burning in hell for all eternity.

Pray for Death

Habermann — Tue, 25 May 2010 20:58:58 +0000

The Beautiful Death 2 by ~thebeautifuldeath76

Why is this portrait titled “The Beautiful Death”? Is there a sniper off-screen about to blow this chick’s brains out? Or is it simply because this hideously deformed mutant girl wishes for death? I’ll admit: If my neck was double the size it should be, and I had a lump the size of an orange protruding from above my misshapen breasts, I’d probably beg for an end to my life as well.

We’ve all heard the expression “Eyes bigger than your stomach”, but have you ever seen eyes bigger than a goddamn mouth? “What big eyes you have, beautifuldeath!” Are they “all the better to see us with,” or do you honestly believe that they make you look more “kawaii”? We get it: You fucking love Japan! You mention it enough times on your profile to get the point across! If you really loved anime so much, you’d stop trying to imitate it and contributing to the stereotype that you and your otaku brethren are as talentless as you are obsessive!

I think my favorite part of the picture is the hand coming from out-of-frame to adjust her glasses. If you look closely… Oh, who am I kidding? It’s as fucking obvious as pasty white American in Japan that there’s something wrong with the hand! The thumb’s on the wrong side, and the fingers are as long as full-grown bananas! Either the artist can’t wrap her head around the concept of anatomy, or there’s supposed to be another mutant just like her in the picture helping her to adjust her glasses. Her glasses, by the way, which fail to offset her hilariously broad shoulders or her lopsided hairdo.

To be fair, drawing is not our submitter’s forte, as an excerpt from her profile clearly indicates.

IF you want you can call me Kristin…

<3= Orange Crush, Wrting, ANIME, Drawing, nerdy things, MARTH, Code Geass, teenage ninjas, origami, fan freak outs, et cetra

Hmm… I’m noticing a pattern here. Kristin seems to have a nasty habit of being absolutely awful at the things she claims to “<3.” From failing to imitate her artistic idols from the glorious nation of Nippon, to not even being able to properly spell the word “writing” (Never mind her lack of consistency in capitalization), it seems as if she’s just not cut out for creative endeavors.

Luckily, she’s only 15 years old: She has her whole life ahead of her! She can still do well in school and get a steady job as an accountant, or something equally as bland and soulless.

Shocked by Toxicity

Habermann — Sat, 22 May 2010 04:00:20 +0000

I found this gem while browsing through deviantART’s most recent submissions. To those of you out there who sort your frontpage submissions by “popularity”, I would encourage you to sort by “most recent” instead, as doing so gives you a better perspective of what dA has become: A breeding ground for the self-indulgent and overly-defensive.

HATERS MAKE ME FA-MOUSE by ~midnightstar66

This screencap, besides showing off the ridiculous number of toolbars this tartlet likes to keep in her browser (Why kids can’t take the time to crop out the unsightly bits of their browser from their screenshots is beyond me), also shows the beginnings of what the submitter assumes was to be the beginning of a flame war. While any other person would take ShadowChaosControl’s comment as a legitimate question, it seems midnightstar66 cannot fathom how anybody could possibly not recognize her hideously deformed “original character” on the spot.

For reference, here is that original submission pictured in the screencap, without the four toolbars (I still can’t get over the fact that anybody actually chooses to have multiple toolbars!) and obnoxious red-line to get in the way.

Toxic and Shocky by ~midnightstar66

Sure; you should be able to assume from the title that there’s more than one creature in the picture, and eventually figure out that the amorphous green and black blob is a second character. But what if there wasn’t a second name in the title? Would you still be able to figure it out? It’s quite easy to mistake “Toxic” for some sort of toxic ooze. You could just as easily assume Shocky is disgusted by a mutation coming out of the side of his body, or that someone threw a bucket of paint on him [without the prior knowledge you're looking at two separate characters].

For one, Toxic only appears to have one eye, which you can just barely tell is an eye thanks to the white sclera of it. Upon closer inspection, you’ll soon discover the left eye is missing it’s white filling entirely, and it’s thick black outline blends in with the dark-grey body. In fact, the fact that the artist relies on black outline to indicate each appendage makes it hard to distinguish what most of anything is. The phrase “I can’t make heads or tails of it” has never been more apt! Add to this the fact the character is in a decidedly awkward pose, and cut off at what I can only assume is the waist by the frame, and it’s easy to tell how one can have difficulty trying to figure out what the fuck the creature is, or to figure out that it’s supposed to be a creature at all!

What’s more surprising is the fact that Shocky is easily distinguishable as an animal, and despite being a rather simplistically drawn character, is at least a dozen times better drawn than his fucked-up buddy. If there’s one flaw that stands out like a sore thumb, other than the general lack of detail and limitations of MS Paint as a drawing tool, it would be the fact he appears to be missing a leg! Either his hind leg is up to take a piss like a dog, or the artist simply forgot about it.

One other thing I feel I should note: The screencap submission was submitted a mere 11 minutes after midnightstar66 responded to ShadowChaosControl’s first comment. Which means, midnight waited all of 10 minutes before assuming Shadow had turned proverbial tail and ran, and declaring herself the victor of what was a non-existent flame war. PROTIP: You’ve gotta give your opponent at least 24 hours to respond to you before assuming they’ve given up on you. It’s common Internet courtesy, for fuck’s sake!

Kindergartners are Better Artists than Tartlets

Habermann — Fri, 21 May 2010 12:08:19 +0000

The picture above is the amalgamation of just about every kindergarten student’s “family portrait.” It shows no concern for proper lighting, demonstrates a complete lack of detail, and a blatant disregard for transparent overlapping. Yet, despite all this, more warmth emanates from this simplistic crayon creation than the vast majority of submissions to deviantART.

Take a look at the most recent submissions to dA at any given point in time. More than three-fourths of the pictures on the first page will be of pre-existing video game / anime characters, either standing around looking moody or hugging some other character. You might find a scattered few photographs of bland scenery or half-naked women. If you’re incredibly lucky, maybe one of the twenty-four pictures on that page will be an elaborate sketch of a character from the waist up; the closest thing to a quality submission you can pick from the lot, but still completely lacking any deeper meaning.

Guess what tartlets? It doesn’t matter how good you are at drawing Cloud from Final Fantasy butt-fucking Sephiroth: The fact of the matter is, you’re still drawing someone else’s characters, doing something incredibly cliche. Congratulations on being completely uninspired! Even when people draw so-called “original characters” these days, all it means is that they’re using pre-existing characters as templates and dropping them into pre-existing universes. Isn’t THAT fucking creative?

You can have all the paint brushes and high-end tablets in the world, and still never draw something half as heart-felt as a kindergartner showing their undying love for their family with a set of chewed-up crayons and construction paper. deviantART has bred a new wave of “artists”, who submit their works not to express themselves, but only to impress their peers and appeal to fanbases.

Thanks to dA, true artists wishing to establish themselves online find themselves drowned to death in an endless sea of uninspired trace jobs and recolors, which still manage to steal away “Daily Deviations” from truly deserving artists. What can possibly be more discouraging than putting your heart into a painting, only to find that the market is more interested in pictures of catgirls with D-Cups acting shocked while their bras fall off?

And that’s the story of how “mommy’s refrigerator” has become a better venue for art than the Internet.

A Veritable “Wall of Text”

Habermann — Thu, 20 May 2010 17:12:44 +0000

Beautiful Songs by ~eclipse-of-you

I know what you’re thinking: “Is this a picture or a poem?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is deviantART, the most obnoxious user-generated content service in the world, and can make you want to blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Does it really matter? Well, does it, punk? But enough unfunny pop-culture referencing padding: We have a submission to dissect.

The short answer to the first question is that it is, in fact, a picture. The presence of the text – which consists of lyrics to populist pop music garbage – serves to distract from how poorly illustrated the female(?) character is. With a head as large as her torso, and feet half the size of her tiny hands, I guess music must be her only escape from the hardships of life as a hideous freak of nature.

A general rule of thumb for dealing with pictures “plus words”: If it looks like more time went into writing the text than drawing the illustrated portion of the piece, chances are it was done to mask some horrendous artistic error. Judging from the fact that the songs have little (If not nothing at all) to do with one other, and how the headphones manage to fit entirely within the spiked blob that composes the girl’s hair (As if the artist hadn’t originally planned to include them), I’d say the “music” angle was an afterthought, and that this piece started simply as a failed drawing of a girl.

Not only does eclipse-of-you fail to impress as an illustrator, but she isn’t much of a typographer either. My best advice to her is to stay away from both, and instead of scribbling lame shit like this in class, to actually pay attention and focus on her academics. After all, it’s obvious she won’t be making it big as an artist any time soon.

And that’s all the text I’m willing to write about this.

Designing Your deviantART Profile

Habermann — Sat, 15 May 2010 11:56:46 +0000

I thought that I’d “mix things up a bit” today by penning a handy guide for you eager-to-learn tartlets out there! Specifically, those of you who are looking to pimp out your deviantART profiles, so you can start mingling with the “cool kids”. Today, I bring you my how-to guide on how to design a totally awesome** dA profile!

(Click for the full-size 800px by 3540px image)

_{** “Totally Awesome” as defined by deviantART standards, which of course translates to “bland shit” by all other standards.}

Decadence-Decay: Juggaho Numero Uno

Sir Jimbo — Mon, 10 May 2010 04:41:58 +0000

I’d like to start off this article with one simple question to the reader. But first I need you to take a look at something…

Good, now that we have that out of the way we can continue. So just who is this you ask? Why it’s none other than the focus of today’s article, a tartlet who goes by the handle Decadence-Decay. Our little Ms. Decadence, real name Sophia, is a 16 year old girl on DA. Though I suspect that’s not too much of a shock to you when you consider that the entire site is comprised almost entirely of nothing but teenage girls (All of whom somehow always seem to be 16 years old’s even when they’re really just 40 year old men from Tokyo who enjoy wearing panties on their heads). Why then have I asked you to look at this self indulgent, Myspace angled, “I’m daddies little princess”, vapid, self-masturbatory photograph of some obviously confused pale bitch? Well, I’m just curious is all. I’m curious to see if I’m the only one out there who finds the idea of her fucking guys dressed up like circus performers completely batshit insane.

I mean when you look at her, when you take a moment to consider that she’s actually somewhat attractive do you then automatically think to yourself, “Oh hell yeah, I can totally see her riding some clowns cock”? Can you honestly give the idea that she would fuck something like this…

…any credence?

If you’re confused by this point you’re not alone, I am as well. And I don’t mean confused as in, “Hey why do her feet in the above photo look like they belong more to Skeletor than to a teenage girl”. I’m guessing that maybe she doesn’t understand the basics of lighting or maybe she’s like the female version of that dude from the movie Powder. Who knows? But putting that mystery aside I’m talking about the confusion over the fact that this girl, this piece of jail-bate, would actually want to fuck a juggalo.

Jesus, that’s a scary thought. Do you even know what a juggalo is? I mean for fuck sakes they can’t even work out the simple shit like, oh I don’t know, this: FB = q v × B

You see over the last few days, in between my constant masturbation to her photos and my confusion as to why her feet look like they belong to a villain from the He-Man universe, I’ve given this issue a great deal of thought. And yet I’m still left thoroughly dumbstruck. Why would any girl seriously consider a man in make-up desirable? Let alone one who happens to live in a trailer park, beats his sister/lover, exists solely on food stamps, and considers bathing in Red Pop hygienic. I mean that shit just doesn’t make sense. But one look at her photos and it becomes clear that this chick loves getting dicked by the boys from the big top.

Would you look at that? Seriously, what the fuck is she going to tell her kids in 20 years when they come up to her with a photo like this one and ask, “Mommy, why do you look like such a huge faggot”? Off all the types of men someone could be attracted to she chooses juggalo’s? That’s so far below the bottom of the barrel that if she looked up she’d be staring at straight at the asses of furries. Yeah, that’s right, furries are a step up for her. If she were to put on a wolf suit right now and bounce up and down on some dude’s dick while yelping like a puppy I’d actually respect her more. Holy shit, that’s messed up.

Now you may be wondering what makes her special enough to warrant an article. Clearly she isn’t artistic with the majority of her DA account being devoted to vapid self portraits that scream “OMG I heart social networking”. She’s one of those girls that knows she’s attractive and so she takes full advantage of it by posting her pictures everywhere so she can feed off of men’s erections like a lich feeds off fucking misery. But that’s not the reason we’re spotlighting her. Attention whoring women are a dime a dozen on the internet. No, what makes her special is the fact that she is WILLINGLY HAVING SEX WITH JUGGALOS.

Try this. I want you to imagine the worst ethnic stereotype that you can. Maybe it’s a nigger holding a bucket of chicken while he rapes a white woman. Or perhaps it’s an chink with a really tiny cock doing complex algebra problems. Or how about a spic hoping a fence while carrying nothing but cleaning supplies and lawn care equipment. Well those examples are to other races as juggalo’s are to white people. They are our niggers, our chinks, our spics. They’re the counterexample to white supremacy and they can be found in any trailer park across the country. I’d rather have a kerosene enema than be in the same room as an ICP fan.

So what the hell is she thinking? What horrible thing did her father have to do to her that would explain her taste in men. He must have been pulling trains on this bitch since the age of 6 to account for something this screwed up. He probably made her watch as he practiced his woodsmanship with nothing more than a chainsaw and kittens. Because there is no way that this…

results from a normal upbringing. So all I have to say to dad is: Good job. May God have mercy on us all because knowing how teenagers are it’s only a matter of time till she squirts out a litter of mini-ninjas. Once that happens we’ll have even more of the fuckers to deal with. Now if you’ll excuse me I have the strangest urge to go watch some motherfucking He-Man.

I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!